Paula

  • Posted on October 31, 2024 at 3:34 pm

by Jacqueline Jillinghoff

Original illustrations by Bruno Traven

The girl stood in the rain, not ten feet from me. Her face and arms were raised to heaven. Her eyes were closed, her wide mouth drawn back in a self-satisfied grin.

Watching from behind the latticed classroom window, I envied her joy but was appalled at her recklessness. Sure, it was fun to walk through a downpour on school grounds. It was madness to do it naked.

She was beautiful, though, even if she was crazy. Her body was compact and athletic, with short, muscular legs and round tits that would have fit neatly in the palm of my hand. The spattering raindrops raised the nipples to sharp brown points, then rolled down her stomach to be soaked up by the sponge-like spot of hair below.

Her china-doll skin had just one disturbing blemish – a chain of green and purple bruises across her throat. The sisters never tired of telling us that every baby, pure as it might seem, is born with the stain of original sin on its soul. This girl could have been the avatar of that cruel doctrine.

I didn’t recognize her. I was new to Calvary Academy, and I didn’t know the girls in the upper classes. She had the same round face as me, the same short, dark hair and thick brows. (I’d always hated mine, but on her, they seemed proud and expressive.) We could have been sisters, which made it all the more puzzling I didn’t know her. You’d think somebody would have pointed out the resemblance.

But why was she nude? I could guess, certainly. Tearing off her uniform was an act of defiance in the oppressive atmosphere at Calvary, a sprawling, faux-Tudor monastery in the mountains of central Pennsylvania where, every morning, we prayed to the plaster Jesus crucified over the blackboard. The classrooms were dark with oak beams and mahogany desks and smelled perpetually of oil soap. The only bright colors I remember belonged to the Savior on the cross, whose wounds were dabbed with scarlet, and the little flags mounted in the corners to either side of Him – on the left, the red, white, and blue of the greatest country in the world; on the right, the yellow and white of the one true faith.

So, to stand outside in the nude, exposed to the elements on a warm November day – I could only imagine how liberating that felt. But why? Why take the risk? If the nuns saw her, they’d kick her out of school. If the girls did, they’d never let her live it down.

I pounded on the glass. “Hey!” I called. “Stop that! Hey! Get inside!” She must have heard me, but it made no difference. If anything, she sank further into herself, hugging her shoulders, then massaging the rainwater into her boobs, and finally, reaching down to touch herself there.

I tried to open the window. The latch came up, but the casement wouldn’t budge. It was swollen shut. I pounded one last time. “Hey! Hey!”

“Who are you yelling at?”

“Nobody!” I spun around, and the word was out of my mouth before I realized how ridiculous it sounded.

“It doesn’t sound like nobody to me,” said Sister Margaret Paul. She stepped calmly through the doorway and across the room.

Sister Margaret was the youngest member of the faculty, and the most sweet-tempered. She overlooked a lot of silliness and misbehavior, but even she would have to report an act of public nudity. The girl outside was dead.

Sister brushed past me and looked out the window, first to one side, then to the other. Her expression didn’t change.

“Well, you weren’t lying,” she said. “There’s no one out there.”

I turned to the window again. The quad was empty. Somehow, the naked girl had managed to duck into the cloisters that enclosed it on three sides. But it was a long run in any direction. To disappear so fast, she must’ve run like the wind.

“She was standing right there,” I said.

“Who was?”

“A girl. She didn’t have any … raincoat on. I was worried she’d catch cold.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, I’m sure,” I insisted, more to prove I wasn’t hallucinating than to get the girl in trouble. “Right there –”

“That’s the Blessed Mother,” Sister said.

I felt like a fool. In the spot where the girl had been standing was the old porcelain statue of Mary, blessing a birdbath with outstretched arms. She hardly looked human anymore. Years of exposure had worn her face to a ghostly blur.

“Are you all right?” Sister Margaret asked.

“I’m fine.”

“You’re shaking,” she said. “Come here.”

She took my hand, gently, and drew me into her arms. It was a soft, comforting gesture, but it only dredged up the sense of isolation I’d been trying to keep buried. I was so lonely I could have cried. I would have, too, if Sister hadn’t spoken first.

“I know it’s hard at a new school,” she said. “Especially being away from home. It’s my first year here, too.”

“Didn’t you go here?” I asked.

“I meant my first year as a teacher. It’s strange. I was taught by most of the other sisters here, and I still can’t think of myself as their equal. I always get the feeling they’re judging me.”

I raised my head and looked at her closely. She had a thin face, light blue eyes and clear, pale skin that seemed to glow in the dull light from the windows. In those days, the church reforms were just getting into gear, and sisters’ habits were no longer the mobile prisons they’d been when I was small. The midi-skirt revealed a bit of leg, the pleated front accented the swell of her bosom, and the veil provided a glimpse of hair above the ears.

Sister Margaret was a straw-blonde. I’d always thought she was pretty, but now she seemed beautiful. Maybe it was the way the light fell, or maybe her open, sympathetic gaze.

She smiled when she caught me staring.

“So we’re in the same boat,” she said. She kissed me, chastely, on the forehead. “Feel better?”

“Yes, Sister.”

“You can call me Margaret when we’re alone.”

“I like Sister better,” I said. “It makes me feel … I don’t know …”

“Safe?”

“Yes, Sister.”

“Beloved?”

“Yes, Sister.”

She kissed me again, unchastely, on the mouth. I gave myself over to it, pressing against her. Her tongue slipped through my open lips. Her hand went up the back of my thigh and through the leg-hole of my panties. She took a firm hold of my ass.

I tipped my head back, offering myself. Sister feasted on my neck, licking and gnawing from the collar to the jawbone. The shock of pleasure took my breath away, and soon another unfamiliar sensation, warm and liquid, began to well up in the one place it was a sin even to think about.

I was a kid. I had only the vaguest notions about kissing and touching, and none at all about the love that was possible between a woman and a girl. Sister’s mouth and fingers sparked the first glimmer of understanding. I wanted to know more. To know everything.

“Yes, there, oh!” I said, trying to sound grown up.

She circled my ear with her tongue, raising gooseflesh down to my waist, but after a few delirious moments, she got hold of herself. She let go of my ass, stepped back, straightened my blazer.

“We should get to the hall before we’re missed,” she said.

“Not yet.” I jammed my lips on hers and rolled my tongue into her mouth.

Other girls talked about kissing boys like this, but I couldn’t imagine it would ever be so good with a boy. Sister was stunned, I think, at my eagerness, but my feelings were suddenly fuller and more urgent than the little schoolgirl crush I’d been dragging around like a toy duck on a string.

I was thinking about the girl on the quad, how free and fearless she was, and how much I wanted to be like her for Sister Margaret, when the wind kicked up outside. Three violent gusts battered the windows, and suddenly, a cold spray stung my face. Sister and I sprang apart.

The casement I’d been pulling on had blown open on its own. The rain was pouring in.

“Well!” Sister said lightly. “Someone evidently disapproves.”

She handed me a tissue from her sleeve and, while I wiped off, went to shut the window.

“Oh no,” she said.

“What?”

“Look.”

I came and stood behind her. Outside, on the grass, the Blessed Virgin lay broken into pieces.

After fifty years, I remember every moment of joy and terror that followed those first kisses.

It began with a dream. I was standing in a church, wearing nothing but my blue blazer and knee socks. I clutched at the lapels, pulled the hem down, trying to cover my nakedness and thinking, they can’t see me like this, but the vent in the back wouldn’t close, and I could feel a cold draft on my butt.

Then I was standing at the altar. Sister was next to me in a silver wedding gown. The naked girl was in front of us, except she wasn’t naked. She was wearing a golden chasuble and a glittery silver stole. I thought she looked pregnant under the vestments, and the bruises on her neck were black and knotted.

I asked, “Can a girl be a priest?” She only made the sign of the cross, blessing Sister and me.

Sister kissed my neck, the way she had in the classroom. The girl-priest took my jacket off and held it up in front of a crowd that suddenly filled the pews. “Holy family,” she said. I remembered the verse, For my garments they cast lots, and I thought, I’m the sacrifice.

Sister began to massage my breasts while somebody, somewhere, repeated I will never betray you. My heart was racing, and it went on racing when I opened my eyes and felt the presence on top of me.

Before I could make a sound, a hand was clamped over my mouth.

“Shh,” a voice said. “It’s only me. Shh.”

I could hear my heartbeat now, and it nearly drowned out the inner voice telling me I was in the dorm, in my bed, and the shadow above me belonged to Sister Margaret. When I was sufficiently calm, Sister took her hand away and kissed me for real. I didn’t object. I didn’t question. I merely returned the kiss, willingly, as she rubbed my body through my nightgown.

“Darling, I couldn’t stay away,” she whispered after a while. “I wanted you so badly. Don’t be afraid.”

“I’m not,” I said.

“I want to suck your tits and lick your asshole and eat your baby pussy. God, I want to make you come so fucking hard …”

She murmured her obscenities directly into my ear. I’d never heard anyone talk such filth, let alone a quiet young nun charged with my Christian upbringing.

“You’re so bad!” I said.

“And I’ll never betray you.”

Those words froze my blood, but Sister went on kissing and touching me until I’d half-forgotten them. In the dim light from the window, I saw a kerchief on her head – a sleep substitute for her veil, I guessed – and her shoulders felt smooth and solid through a thin cotton robe. The kerchief stayed in place, but the robe quickly disappeared. I ran my hands greedily down her bare back and over the smooth, full globes of her ass. My heart was racing again, but no longer with fear.

Sister reached under my gown. What she found amused her no end.

“Wearing panties to bed?” she teased me. “You’re such a baby.” With a chuckle she pulled them down and off. A moment later, she’d hiked up my gown. A sudden, clammy wind blew across my bare breasts, even though the window was closed. I crossed my arms over them.

“No, don’t be shy,” Sister said, pulling at my wrists. She worked my gown out from under my back and over my face, cast it away, then pulled the covers over us and took me in her arms.

“God has given us no greater gift than our own bodies,” she said. “One flesh. Can you feel it?”

“Yes…”

“Touch my breasts.”

We kissed, long and deeply, as our hands roved. The warm, liquid feeling returned. I threw a leg over hers, clamping myself on her thigh.

“Oh, is that what you want?” Sister said. She rolled me away and plunged two fingers into my cunt.

“Little whore,” she said. “Your pussy’s so wet. You want me to fuck your little pussy? Hm? Is that what you want?”

I grunted in response.

“What was that? Tell me. Beg me to fuck your little pussy.”

But with her fingers pumping my cunt, and her foul words pouring into my ear, all I could manage was a spluttering eff sound.

“You like it when I fuck your pussy? Does it feel good?” Sister said. “Come for me. Let me hear you come.”

She stretched my nipple between her lips, then drew my breast fully into her mouth, and that sent me over. It was a true baptism – my initiation into the love of women and the power of orgasm. A flood of grace burst from heaven, filling my heart and leaving an indelible imprint on my soul.

The image of the naked girl in the rain flashed through my mind. At that moment, Sister stilled her hand.

“What was that?” she said.

“Aw, don’t stop!”

“Listen…”

I heard it then – a girl’s tittering laugh, followed by an explosion of footsteps that raced past my bedroom door.

“Who’s running around at this hour?” Sister said.

I expected a commotion. The sisters slept downstairs. I was sure Mother Adalbert would hear the noise and launch a raid, dragging us all into the corridor and demanding we give up the culprit.

If that happened, we both knew, we were ruined. Sister would be discovered in my room, in the middle of the night, for no reason we could explain. We lay there on edge, our eyes on the door, Sister with her fingers motionless in my cunt. I squeezed down on them. I was frightened, yes, but it still felt good.

The girl laughed again, except it wasn’t a laugh. It was an ecstatic cry I wouldn’t have recognized before Sister snuck into my room. Now, after my second baptism, I knew it at once. The girl was orgasming, every bit as hard as I had.

“No,” Sister said. “Don’t.”

“It’s all right,” I said. “They’ll find her, not us.”

“No,” she said. “She can’t… It’s not…”

“What?”

The cries drew closer, as though the girl was masturbating as she strode along the corridor. Finally, mercifully, they stopped, just as they reached my door. Sister and I lay still, like statues on a tomb, waiting in agony for the next sound, which, I hoped, would be the footsteps going away.

The silence was broken by a soft moaning. I could make out a few words, like “little whore” and “fuck your little pussy” – the same words Sister had said to me. They were muffled by the door at first, but gradually grew more and more distinct. In time, they seemed to be coming from inside the room itself.

The faint, milky patch of light on the door condensed before our eyes, acquiring dimension, and, at last, a human shape. It was the girl from the quad, still naked, still hideously bruised, shining softly, as though lit from within, and fingering her pussy.

“I’m coming!” she wailed, clear as a bell. “Fucking God, I’m coming so hard!”

“No!” Sister wailed in return. “Leave her alone! She’s innocent!”

“Shh!” I said, trying to silence them both. The girl – oh, hell, I might as well call her the ghost – emitted an orgasmic shriek before dissolving into the woodwork.

“Paula,” Sister said, as though I wasn’t there.

“You saw her too, right?” I said. “Who was it? Sister?”

“Oh, my Paula, I’m so sorry.”

She covered her face and wept.

Seven years ago, when I was your age (the story came out, haltingly, as we held each other in the dark), she was two years ahead of me, and we fell in love. I didn’t call it love, not that kind of love, not then. I didn’t know the word for it, that there was a word for it. I just wanted to be with her, everywhere, all the time. Then one night, we were alone in the library. She was tutoring me with math. It was so silly, so innocent. I was looking down at the problem – I can still see the equation, x cubed, y squared, plus – she said, “You’ll get it,” and she kissed me on the head. And I kissed her on the cheek. And she kissed me on the mouth. We never did solve the problem. 

That night, she came to my room. We undressed each other and gave ourselves. Her fingers inside me. Her tongue on my clitoris. I loved coming. I loved making her come, when she taught me how. It wasn’t sin. I didn’t think of it even as sex, because there was no boy. It was a gift from the Lord that made us happy but kept us pure. 

We couldn’t keep our hands off each other. Stealing kisses, feeling each other up under our skirts, squeezing each other under our bras. Then every night in my room, or in hers … this very room, your room. The sweetest of all was the night we made love on the quad, naked, on the grass, in the moonlight, under the gaze of the Blessed Mother. She looked down at us. She loved us. 

We thought we were careful, but how could we be? Always together, always touching, giggling furtively. Someone told, or Mother Adalbert overheard the gossip, or she saw something. We could feel her watching us. She was there, always, in the corridors, in the dining hall, in the dorms, narrowing her eyes, looking for proof. And we gave it to her. 

In the library, again, back among the books, Paula put her hand down the front of my panties. Just a quick feel. “We should stop,” Paula said. And I said no. It felt too good, and I was so close, and Mother Adalbert came around the corner. “What is going on?” she said, but she already knew. She marched us to her office and demanded to know everything. She called us unnatural. She called us perverts. The interrogation went on and on. We were going to be expelled, our parents would be called, and she would have to tell them why, unless we renounced our sin. 

And I betrayed the girl I loved. She made me, I said. I was crying. I said I never wanted to. I told her to stop, but she wouldn’t. 

So, is she the pervert? Mother Adalbert said. 

And I said yes, she’s the pervert. I looked Paula right in the eye, and I said, you make me sick. But she never said a word. 

Mother Adalbert passed judgment. Paula would have to leave school. I could stay, but I would be watched, carefully, until I proved to Mother’s satisfaction I hadn’t been infected. 

They locked her in her room, away from the good girls, until her parents could come and get her. And that night, she tied her blanket to the leg of her bed, and a sheet to the blanket, and she hanged herself out this very window. We all saw her, early in the morning, dangling one floor above the ground. And she was naked. It was like a message. This is who I am. This is who we all are.

When I saw you, you looked so much like her I thought she’d come back. I had another chance. I could love again, and if we were caught, I would take the blame for you. The way she took it for me. But this … vision … she’s telling me no. I can never love anyone else …

“Sister, it’s all right,” I whispered.

“I was a coward.”

“You were a kid. You were scared. And you don’t know why she did it. She might have anyway.”

“But if I had stood with her–”

“Shh.”

“If I had stood up and said Yes, I love her. It’s not perverted. It’s beautiful. Judge not!

“Shh.”

I held her damp face to my breasts. She went on murmuring, begging forgiveness, as everything – her voice, the drumming of the rain, my own breathing – got fainter and farther away.

I was awakened by a pounding on my door and the rattling of keys. It was a gray dawn, and I found myself alone, but I scarcely had time to thank God for it, to think how wise of Sister Margaret to steal away during the night, before Mother Adalbert burst into the room and tore the coverlet from my body.

“Come on, Miss,” she said. “I need you to get outside.”

Startled and confused, I made no move to get up.

Now,” she said. She pulled me out of bed by my hair.

“Where are your clothes?” she said. “Never mind. Wear this for now.” She slapped the coverlet against my chest. Girls in their night things had gathered outside my doorway, and they watched me wrap myself in chenille while Mother Adalbert, gripping the top of my head, kept me facing in their direction. When I was minimally decent, with only my bare legs showing, she shoved me into their midst.

“Clear a path!” a voice commanded. We scattered just as two big men in blue jackets hurried past us into my room. They were carrying satchels and wheeling along a stretcher on a gleaming metal frame.

We never saw men at Calvary, and for the moment, the girls were more interested in them than the fact I’d been hauled out of bed with nothing on.

The men didn’t notice me, either. They went straight to my window, keeping their backs to us. The girls craned their necks, or stood on tiptoe, hoping for a glimpse of what they were up to, but Mother Adalbert interposed herself.

“All of you, get back in your rooms,” she said. She tried to sound threatening, but she was much too shaken to speak with her usual authority. “Keep your doors closed. I don’t want to see hide nor hair of any one of you until these men have done their job.”

She stepped back and shut the door. Seconds later, she reappeared.

“You,” she said. “Put this on.”

She tossed a gray bundle at me. To catch it, I had to let the coverlet fall from my shoulders.

Mother Adalbert gave me her most practiced what’s-this-world-coming-to? headshake before she shut the door again. With the men out of sight for good, my nudity now became the center of attention. The other girls crowded around me.

“Did she do anything to you?”

“Were you asleep the whole time?”

“I don’t know,” I said.

“What do you mean?”

What I meant, though I couldn’t say it, was that I didn’t know anything. I had no idea what anyone was doing or what they were talking about.

“We better go,” somebody said. The girls began to drift away, and no one offered to let me stay with them in their room. I couldn’t blame them. In the middle of all this upset, no one was thinking clearly.

I unraveled the gray bundle and held it in front of me. It was a soft flannel robe. Thoughtful of Mother Adalbert to pick it up and give it to me. I opened it and was turning it about, searching for the sleeve openings, when all at once I understood who the men were and what they were doing at my window.

Because the robe wasn’t mine.

“No,” I said, too quietly to bother the other girls. My second “no” was much louder.

Then I was on the cold floor, curled into a ball on my elbows and knees, sobbing convulsively and holding the precious robe to my face.

The rain had stopped.

From the red-leather chair in Mother Adalbert’s office, I could see through the cloisters and across the quad to the toppled statue of the Virgin. Not far beyond stood the ugly, yellow-brick dormitory annex, presenting, in the upper corner, my own window, from which two young women had chosen to end their mortal lives. The sight meant nothing to me. I’d felt nothing, thought of nothing, since the girls had picked me up and led me away from my door.

A slit appeared in the clouds, and a weak, whitish light settled over the grounds like a benediction. Mother Adalbert came in with my suitcase, which she set at my feet.

“How are you feeling, dear?” she said, for once not playing the stern disciplinarian. “Still don’t feel like talking? That’s understandable. We’ve all had a terrible shock. And you haven’t eaten. Can I bring you something? No? Not even some juice?”

She took my chin between her fingers.

“I doubt you’ll be returning to us,” she said, “so it’s no longer our concern, but I’m wondering what Sister Margaret was doing in your room, and why you were both in the altogether. When you get over this, I suggest you examine your conscience.”

I jerked my face away. Numb as I was, I could still feel hatred, and I hated this woman.

“Your parents will be here this afternoon,” she went on. “You may wait here, away from the other girls. If you need anything … well, if you do–”

And she left. I kept my face turned to the window for I don’t know how long. I didn’t care if I ever spoke, or moved, or thought of anything ever again. That’s how grief works: the little things we do to keep ourselves going – eating, grooming, tidying our rooms – lose all meaning. Indeed, they become a source of guilt. Someone I loved was gone, and here I was adjusting my clothes, as though it made a difference how I looked. I couldn’t remember how I came to be wearing my school uniform that morning. Someone must have dressed me.

I began to wonder, vaguely, if I would ever laugh again, like the girl I heard laughing outside. Wait, I thought. Who’s laughing? Who could think of laughing on a terrible day like this? I must have been hearing things. I listened more intently: there came a giggle, followed by a full-throated laugh and a squeal of joy. There were two voices now. They seemed to be coming from everywhere.

Bitches, I thought.

“Hey!” shouted one of the voices. “Wait up!”

“Can’t catch me!” said the other, closer than the first. Then I saw her. She ran past the window, spun around, and leaned back against the pillar of an archway – dark-haired, thick-browed, and naked. She was shaking with laughter, holding her hands up in a playful show of defending herself, when a young woman swept into her arms.

“Darling!” the girl gasped as the woman devoured her neck. She was naked, too, but for a kerchief atop her straw-blonde hair. I couldn’t see her face, or the bruises on her throat, but I didn’t need to.

They clung fast to one another. Their lips met, and their tongues shimmered in the colorless sunlight. Sister Margaret – or her essence – sank to her knees, kissing Paula’s breasts and belly as she descended. At last, she planted herself where she wanted to be, where she had longed to be for seven years. Her mouth vanished into the spectral wedge of hair.

Paula’s eyes took on the same wild, out-of-body expression I’d seen during the night. She turned her gaze toward me through the diamond-shaped windowpanes. Her lips began to move.

“Oh, God,” they said, silently. “Oh … fuck.

I couldn’t help but smile.

The End

 

44 Comments on Paula

  1. kinkys_sis says:

    Wonderful… so wonderful. I shall read it again later; I read it too fast this first time. But then… that’s no hardship.

    Spooky or what!

  2. JetBoy says:

    Thanks to Jacqueline Jillinghoff for the gift of this marvelous story, one we’ve saved for this special day. We hope it lends a touch of erotic heat to your Halloween. A treat, not a trick!

    Incidentally, Halloween also happens to be Ms. Jillinghoff’s birthday, so you might want to leave her the richly deserved gift of a comment.

  3. Mumbledore says:

    What a well-written and deliciously spooky story. Thanks for the titillating Halloween treat. (So good that you and JetBoy manifested me out of lurk mode!)

  4. Lisa Taggert says:

    Loved this story! It’s perfect for this day. And HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Jacqueline!

  5. Emiliano says:

    Impressive atmosphere

  6. Lakeisha says:

    Beautifully written❤️

  7. Erocritique says:

    “Hauntingly” (and crushingly) beautiful and erotic. It moved me to tears for various reasons at various times. Ultimately, a very “Happy Halloween-y” ending for all the girls. Thank you so much for this, JJ and all at JS. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

  8. cherryco says:

    What fool gave this incredible story an “AWFUL” rating?? I thought it was amazing. Jaqueline, pay no attention to that jackass.

    • Jacqueline Jillinghoff says:

      Oh, no one ever does. The “awful” voter has been lurking at this site for a long time. It seems they disapprove of everything posted here. The reader who gets to me is the one who voted “average.” We all hate for our work to be regarded as average.

      We prefer “incredible” and “amazing”–so thanks so much for those.

  9. Thyrsus says:

    Sin? I see no sin.
    Shame? I see no shame.
    Love? To die for.

    What a wonderful tale.

  10. Kim & Sue says:

    Happy belated birthday, and great job as always.

  11. monasissy says:

    Beautiful, erotic AND Spooky. One for a rainy night with the lights out. Felt nice, thank you.

  12. kinkys_sis says:

    I do not intend this as an insult to anyone, it’s merely an observation. Jacqueline writes in a very unique style. I know when I first read one of her stories (I don’t remember which one), I had to reread it to understand where she was coming from; although, I do admit that I tend to read too quickly. Once I had grasped, and understood, her way of telling a story, then I was hooked.

    However, I fear that for some readers, it maybe a bit on the ‘deep’ side. Hence the higher proportion of ‘fours’ rather than ‘fives’.

    But Jacqueline need never fear. There have been many great writers, Shakespeare comes to mind, where many of the masses still do not understand what he or they were trying to convey. She could ‘write down’ and achieve a higher proportion of ‘fives’… but why? Her way is exactly that – her way! And I love it. It just requires a little more thought.

    As for the ‘Average’ voters, they are clearly the ones that just don’t get it. Then again… could it be that she seldom writes with ‘in your face’ type sex. I have to use my imagination… for me, a trigger is all that’s needed. Her stories provide that very nicely.

    Subtlety is the word.

    • Jacqueline Jillinghoff says:

      Well, I wouldn’t presume to compare myself to Shakespeare, who was, after all, a popular playwright. For me, it’s not a question of being subtle or deep. I’m just trying to write the kind of stories I would like to read. And I really am quite satisfied with the number of excellents. Certainly the comments would indicate my efforts are appreciated — esp. yours. I’m grateful for a fan like you.

      So far, there’s only one “average” vote, and while it doesn’t upset me, it does make me wonder just what that reader is looking for.

  13. Scooby1287 says:

    First of all, what an amazingly beautiful love story. At first, after Paula first disappeared from the quad, and then the very real world conversation between our young, little “miss” (I didn’t realize you hadn’t given her a name until I started writing this) and Sister Margaret turned sexual, I thought she was fantasizing. At the end, it wasn’t until the men with the stretcher entered the room and shut the door that I realized the beautifully crafted twist you had given us. I appreciate that even after causing two suicides, Mother Adalbert still clung to her archaic beliefs. It grounded the story in reality for me. I say it a lot, great sex stories are amazing, great stories with sex in them are even better. Usually it takes at least a few chapters to accomplish that. You managed to do it in one take, bravo.

    Second, it’s a real shame that the, not one but two, individuals (I decided to be civil), that rated this story “awful”, don’t have the courage and courtesy to comment. I’m sure we’d all like to school them on what great literature is.

  14. Scooby1287 says:

    So, does some shmo just rate every single new story as awful? Or do you think they actually read them first? If that’s the case then maybe they’re awful comment speaks more to their own guilt and fear then the stories themselves. 🤔😱😁

  15. Mystery Mouse says:

    A few sentences in and I thought I knew where this was going. Public nudity, nuns, Catholic school… All the ingredients for another classic Jillinghoff tale.

    Then it turned. I was truly not expecting this to turn out the way it did. Such a sad and spooky story. It’s going to be a while before this leaves me, I think.

    Another masterclass in writing. Technically this is amateur erotica but there is nothing amateur about this. This is the sort of writing one would expect from a published work.

  16. BlueJean says:

    I held back for a day or so before commenting as I was left feeling a bit raw after reading. I found it desperately sad. The bruise around Paula’s neck and the portentous line, “The girl outside was dead,” were forboding clues as to what was really going on, and Sister Margaret being forced into the role of Judas was a tragic injustice. Beautifully written, of course, and some residue of the story still lingers in my mind.

    • Jacqueline Jillinghoff says:

      Jetboy has said my work has a dark edge. This was, in part, an attempt to see how far I could push it. I’m happy you noticed the foreshadowing.

  17. Saturday reader says:

    Well done,Excellent story and superb writing,
    One thing though, the literary snobbery around any negative remarks is pretty off, It’s perfectly possible to completely “get” a story and all it’s complexities, subtleties and contexts and still not like it,It demeans the writer to demean the critic,

    • kinkys_sis says:

      I think you somewhat miss the point.

      • Jacqueline Jillinghoff says:

        Now, let’s not argue. Many an author has benefited from constructive criticism. The fact that I’m not one of them doesn’t mean it isn’t a noble endeavor.

        I promise I will never bring up the subject of scores again.

        But I am sick of having to type my email address over and over.

  18. Brother Bethor says:

    I’m sorry but I don’t like your style of writing. I appreciate the effort though.

    • Scooby 1287 says:

      This may be a strange post but I want to thank Brother for the comment. Not specifically as it relates the story in question but as a writer myself. I would appreciate a comment such as this. I know not everyone is going to enjoy the content of a story or it’s style, and that’s fine. But at least I’m getting feedback. I would follow up with a reply of , “what is it you don’t like?” Because I know from experience that for every one person that comments there are more that don’t. By following up on a comment like Brother’s, I might be able to affect a change that makes my writing more appealing to more people.

    • Jacqueline Jillinghoff says:

      Unfortunately, I’m too old to change now. Thanks for taking the time to comment. 🤟

  19. Craw2519 says:

    nice prose but too wierd a subject. For me, I have read better from Ms Jillinghoff

  20. Jacqueline Jillinghoff says:

    I want to thank everyone for their feedback, positive or negative, esp. those commenting on my work for the first time. I realize this story wasn’t to everyone’s taste.

    Again, a big shout-out to Bruno Traven, who generously provided the illustrations while dealing with other issues. The stark, black-and-white contrasts give them an nice, 1930s-horror-movie vibe appropriate to the subject matter.

  21. MusicMan says:

    I found this story extremely well written. Certainly hot and haunting and sad. It also upset me enough that I didn’t come back to the site for several days. Such is the risk of literature lol; the potential for running into sharp edges shouldn’t be removed. Some of it is definitely the subject of hanging. I have fairly tangled intrusive thoughts regarding that and running into it here caught me off guard. There also seems to me to be a piece of this story that is romanticizing suicide. Sister Margaret has redeemed herself by imitating Paula, starkly declaring who she is in the same manner. In some historical settings and grand epic tragedy I can see something like that as sad and beautiful in some that I can accept. But in this case there are ways in which it feels a little too much like a suicide is the only way out kind of thing. Maybe my difficulty is that it works so well and completely as a ghost story in a place that I didn’t expect to find one that it bothered me more than it might have had I found it in some other context. Or perhaps it simply hits some nerves for me in particular. I remember the first and only time I read The Black Cat by Edgar Allan Poe. For me, it was a story that went too far. This story doesn’t quite do that exactly but it did land closer to that territory than I was ready for. I didn’t rate it as awful, but if someone completely missed the foreshadowing and was suddenly in deep water before they knew I can understand how they might rate that way as a knee jerk reaction.

  22. Kinkychic says:

    This morning, my sister made me aware of my laxity in that I had failed to comment on Paula. As friends, JJ would have expected my comment. We often, indeed almost always, read stories together and of late, Sis has made a joint comment. I had assumed that she had done so this time, but she hadn’t.

    So, I have read it again to refresh my memory. It gave me mixed feelings. I love the writing, I loved the story, and I loved the characters. But have I fully understood it? I’m not sure I have. I’m determined to do so and I will read it again later.

    Like Sis, I wonder whether it is this that has resulted in the lower ratings. Or is it perhaps the subject matter – something which I have no problem with, but maybe some do.

    In some ways, it reminds me of Sis’ story A Ghost In The Night, and the difficulty she had with trying to convey her meaning in mere written words.

    The lasting impression I am left with is one of wonder. This is a classic example of JJ’s fine writing. It must have taken an immense amount of thought. Even though I’m not certain I’ve properly grasped what’s going on, I was still left more than satisfied at having read a story to be proud of.

    • Kinkychic says:

      Sorry, the first para reads as though JJ and I often read stories together. I should have begun the third sentence with – my Sis and I…

    • Jacqueline Jillinghoff says:

      Thanks as always for your thoughtful comments. I’d been missing you.

      You’re the only reader so far who’s said they didn’t understand exactly what was going on. That makes me feel as though I’ve failed in some degree, since I strive for clarity above all things. I hope another (third?) read addresses all your doubts. If not, email me, and I’ll try to answer any questions.

      As for the “immense amount of thought,” the big challenge was structural, i.e., how to convey the backstory without sacrificing the opening scene, which I liked. The solution turned out to be simple, though it took its sweet time presenting itself.

      Danny also had a problem with one of the later episodes. I ended up reworking it just to get him off my back, but I have to admit, as I usually do, it was better as a result.

  23. Rachel says:

    I can understand why this story has created some controversy, it was a brave move to weave erotica around such a subject. The thing is, it works. For me anyway.

    Contrary to one comment above, I would rate this as one of the author’s best works. Thank you for a fine story.

  24. Jacqueline Jillinghoff says:

    This comment was emailed to me by a reader who prefers to remain anonymous:

    “My favorite thing about Paula was following the emotional revelations. I kept getting fooled, which was very satisfying. I like when I can’t anticipate every twist and turn, as long as they all make sense in the end, which they did in Paula.”

    So apparently the sex was way down on the list 🙃, but I appreciate that they appreciated the story qua story.

  25. No One says:

    A very well-written tale, bold and original, with a strong, well-executed arc that manages to combine the erotic and the deeply sad in a cohesive manner. Very good work. Maybe a tad short (there would certainly have been room for more development of these characters), but then again, with where the story was going, maybe it was best to keep it to the point, rather than get the reader too attached to an ill-fated character.

    The only thing that personally bugged me just a little is the part with their first kiss, which felt a bit… rushed? The sister is tenderly comforting the younger girl, and then basically just jumps on her suddenly? It felt rather creepy, and not in a good Halloween-y way. Of course, the protagonist is very much into it so it’s not a huge deal, but still.

    Well, okay, two things: I wish they’d had time for a full sex scene without getting interrupted. 😉

    • Jacqueline Jillinghoff says:

      You’re not the first person to express reservations about that first kiss. I won’t try to defend it, because the story should stand on its own. All I’ll say is the decision to keep it as is was deliberate. As for the sex, I don’t think Paula was going to let it go too far.

      Sorry you were disappointed.

      • No One says:

        Fair enough. I’m not disappointed, though, it’s still a very interesting story, even beyond the sex. I appreciate you trying something different.

Leave a Reply

Please review the terms of use and comment etiquette before commenting. Messages that break our rules will be removed.

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.