Greenfield Tales, Chapter 2

  • Posted on November 25, 2020 at 4:03 pm

By JB West

For helpful information about this story’s main characters, please consult The Girls and Women of Greenfield Tales

Part 1 – Sundown

Deena Dean left the hospital around nine o’clock after skillfully extricating herself from the embrace of the two little nymphs without embarrassing herself or tipping her hand. She said a quick round of goodbyes, then made a hasty exit, nearly running by the time she got back to her cruiser. Once inside, shielded by the dark tinted windows, she thrust a hand down to her crotch. Even through the thick polyester blend of her uniform pants, she could feel the wetness that was leaking out of her.

“Fuck!” Deena hissed. Sexual frustration seethed inside her, threatening to boil over. But any real release would have to wait. She wasn’t about to masturbate in her squad car in the middle of a hospital parking lot. Hell, the sun hadn’t even set yet. No, she’d have to wait until she got home to release all this pent-up energy.

First, though, Deena had to go back to the station house and write up the report on the incident. She was already more than two hours past the end of her shift, but that was hardly unusual. Normally, she would’ve put off doing the paperwork until the next morning, but she had the day off tomorrow and knew the Captain wouldn’t let it slide that long.

Deena pulled into the station house lot a few minutes later and parked in her designated spot. She headed inside, passing the watch commander with a quick nod, and proceeded to her desk. Quickly writing up her report, Deena signed it, left the finished product on her captain’s desk, and was out the door moments later.

When Deena arrived home, it was just before ten o’clock. She entered the house and noticed that all the lights were off but the TV had been left on. Taking off her shoes, she padded into the living room to find her lover on the couch, lying on her side like always, one arm curled beneath the pillow supporting her head, the other lodged firmly between her creamy thighs. In the soft blue glow of the television, her face looked like that of an angel sleeping beneath the surface of a cool, clear lake.

Deena sat down on the edge of the couch, her hip resting against her lover’s forearm. She gently ran the back of her hand across the woman’s face, tracing the edge of her jawline from chin to ear and back again. She brushed her lover’s lips with the tip of her thumb, admiring how soft and full they were like she’d done so many times before.

Leaning in close, Deena whispered into the sleeping beauty’s ear. “Cassidy. Cassidy. Oh, my lovely Cassidy. Wake up, sweetheart.”

Cassidy’s eyes fluttered open and she looked up at her fiancée. A sleepy smile graced her face as she reached up with her hand to brush aside a few stray hairs that had fallen across Deena’s forehead.

“When did you get home?” Cassidy mumbled through the veil of a half-remembered dream. A small yawn escaped her parted lips and she wriggled a bit, working out a small kink in her back. Deena wrapped an arm around Cassidy’s waist and helped her to sit up.

“Just a minute ago,” Deena replied. “How long have you been asleep out here?”

“I don’t know. What time is it?”

“Ten,” Deena said, after a glance at the clock on the wall..

“Not that long, then. I started watching that doctor show you like, and it comes on at nine. I know I was awake through the first commercial break at least.”

Deena had to chuckle at that. In their circle of friends, Cassidy was infamous for being the one who was always the most excited to watch some new movie or popular TV show, but would inevitably fall asleep about fifteen or twenty minutes in. Every time, without fail. The girl could party until the crack of dawn and still be going strong, but put her in a quiet room and turn down the lights, and she was gone.

The two women gazed into each other’s eyes for a moment, then simultaneously leaned in for a kiss. Their mouths met, and the electricity that they felt with every kiss passed between them. A small moan escaped from Cassidy’s lips, a louder one from Deena’s. They both laughed, knowing full well what those moans meant.

“Take me to bed,” Cassidy whispered.

Standing up, Deena pulled Cassidy to her feet an instant later. The two lovers each wrapped an arm around the other, then headed to the bedroom, exchanging kisses and helping each other out of their clothes along the way.

That was when Kim’s cell phone fell out of Deena’s pants pocket.

God damn it! Deena thought, gritting her teeth. In her haste to leave the hospital, she’d neglected to return Ms. Connors’ phone to her.

“What’s that?” Cassidy asked.

“It’s a phone that belongs to a woman I helped today. The emergency I texted you about earlier. I can’t believe I forgot to give it back to her!”

“Oh, right. How did that turn out, the emergency?”

“I’ll tell you all about it, but first I need to make a call.”

“Right now?”

“Yeah. I’m sorry, babe, but I probably shouldn’t let this wait.”

By this time, they were in the bedroom, much of their clothing already shed. Deena was still wearing her underwear and socks, while Cassidy had managed to strip down to just her bikini bottoms.

Deena sat down at the end of the bed, absently noticing that Cassidy hadn’t bothered to make it up. Well, whatever, we’re just gonna be messing it up again in a few minutes. She unlocked the phone, using the password little Katie had given her earlier: 0-1-2-3-1-4, the child’s birthday. A quick shiver ran through her as she remembered Katie’s sweet face. Shaking her head to clear it, Deena dialed Rachel’s phone. The call connected after just one ring.

“Hello?” Rachel said.

“Hello, Mrs. Hayes. It’s Officer Dean. Um, from earlier tonight?”

“Oh, hello. What a nice surprise. Hang on, I’m gonna put you on speaker.” There was a light fumbling sound, then, “Girls. Say hello to Officer Dean.”

The phone immediately erupted into a cacophony of sound, the little girls shouting hellos to their new friend.

“So, what can I do for you, officer?” Rachel asked.

“Well, it’s not so much what you can do as what I forgot to do. You see, I’m calling you right now using your sister’s phone because, well, I forgot to give it back to her. I was going to stick it into her purse at the hospital, but then in all the commotion, it slipped my mind. I just got home a few minutes ago and realized I still had it on me.”

“Oh, that’s no problem. We can come by the station tomorrow to get it.”

“I’m sorry, but I’m not on duty tomorrow. I was hoping I could swing by the house sometime tomorrow morning and drop it off if that’s okay.”

Of course, it would have been no problem at all for Deena to drop the phone off at the station, but it had just occurred to her that she now had a good excuse to see little Katie and her equally adorable cousin Emily again.

Glancing up at Cassidy, Deena saw that her partner was attempting her best striptease with what little clothing she had left. She had both thumbs looped into the waistband of her bikini bottoms, pulling the front panel slightly away from her body and up, causing the material to wedge snugly against her plump pussy lips, creating a delectable looking camel toe. At the same time, Deena could hear the giggles of the two little girls over the phone. The juxtaposition of visual and auditory stimulation caused her to release an audible groan. Fuck, she was turned on.

Either Rachel hadn’t heard the groan or she paid it no mind. “That might be a bit of a problem. You see, Kim’s CT scan came back negative tonight, so the doctor said he’ll most likely be discharging her tomorrow around 10 AM.”

“That’s wonderful news,” Deena replied.

“But we won’t be around the house for you to be able to stop by.”

That’s when Katie chimed in, “What if she comes by after we get home from the hospital, Aunt Rachel? It’s not like Mommy needs her phone for anything before then anyway.”

“Oh, Katie, you’re a genius. Why didn’t I think of that?” Rachel said. If Deena had been on the other end of the call, she would have seen Katie shrug her shoulders and give her aunt a look that said, I don’t know. You’re the adult here. Why didn’t you think of it?

“Yeah, okay,” Rachel continued, “so we’ll give you a call on Kim’s phone when we get home from the hospital tomorrow.”

“Sure,” Deena said. “I’ll be waiting.”

“Well, thanks again for everything, Officer Dean. Say goodbye, girls.” Another cacophony of sound nearly broke Deena’s eardrum but made her smile nonetheless.

“Bye.” Deena said just before the line disconnected. She looked up at Cassidy who was still dancing, her body swaying back and forth to some beat that only she could hear.

“Okay, you have to tell me what that was all about,” Cassidy said.

“I will,” said Deena. “But first I need you to come over here.” Rising to her feet, she held her arms out, and Cassidy immediately jumped into them. The two women spun each other around the room, lustfully kissing. The rest of Deena’s clothes were on the floor in a few heartbeats, and Cassidy was about to shed her last bit when Deena stopped her.

“No,” she said. “I’m gonna peel those off you with my teeth.”

With that Deena spun the smaller woman around in an almost perfect pirouette, before pushing her backward onto the bed, Cassidy giggling all the while. Deena pounced on top of her and they resumed their heated kissing, wet smacking sounds echoing through the bedroom. Deena and Cassidy’s breasts were pressed together and their erect nipples circled around each other’s driving the lovers to even greater heights of arousal.

Deena began to slowly slip her way down the bed, planting sweet soft kisses all along her lover’s neck, collarbone, her chest, her breasts, pausing to pay close attention to each nipple. She moved down further to Cassidy’s abdomen, kissing all around her belly, lightly probing the belly button with an eager tongue. Then her teeth found their goal, firmly clenching the waistband of Cassidy’s bikini. She gave a quick tug upwards, causing the silky material to rub against her lover’s most sensitive spot.

Cassidy felt the soft caress across her clit, a small moan escaping her lips. “Oh fuck, yes,” she said in a raspy whisper, just barely loud enough for Deena to hear.

Deena knew that Cassidy was badly in need of some serious attention. Normally she would tease her partner for a bit with light probing, quick licks, maybe alternating between blowing or breathing on her exposed sex, but tonight was different. Both women had been denied pleasure on the previous night, and each had been through a day that tested her patience. Deena wanted to ravage Cassidy just as badly as Cassidy longed for her to do it. There would be no hesitation, not this time.

Deena tore the garment down and off Cassidy’s legs, tossing the thin piece of fabric over her shoulder. She feasted her eyes on the beautiful woman lying beneath her, on her open and dripping pussy, then dove right in, furiously licking all around the entirety of Cassidy’s vulva.

Bringing her right hand down to her lover’s dripping cunt, Deena quickly inserted two fingers, sliding them all the way to the third knuckle in one fluid motion. This elicited a scream from Cassidy, who then began to rant like a woman possessed.

“Oh fuck. God, yes. Fuck me. Fuck me. Do it harder. Uh, uh, uh, uh, unhhh, oh GOD. Don’t stop, don’t you dare stop fucking my dirty pussy. I’ll n-never forgive you if you stop. Oh fuck, YES. FUUUUUUUCK!”

By then, Deena had brought her other hand to her own oozing hole. She dipped her finger in and pulled it out, a thick line of her honey falling onto the sheets below. The amount that stayed on her finger was quickly and vigorously applied to her own aching clit. All the while, she continued to pleasure Cassidy, sucking at her sweet nub, driving two fingers over and over and over again into the young woman’s juicy cunt.

Still caught up in rapture, Cassidy babbled on. “Please don’t stop. Oh, please don’t stop. Oh god yes. Yes! Oh shit, baby. Oh, fuck yes. I’m g-gonna come. Yes, yes, yes, eat my fuckin’ cunt! Fuck me, baby. OH GOD, YESSSSSS!”

Deena felt an absolute torrent of juices explode onto her face. Cassidy didn’t normally squirt, but was capable of it, and had done it a few times when the lovemaking was especially intense. Never like this, though. Gulping down as much as she could, Deena wiped her face, then brought the wet hand to her mouth, purring with pleasure as she licked each finger.

Cassidy lay limp and glazed with sweat, recovering from what might have been the biggest orgasm of her life. Her thoughts were jumbled, but she was enraptured by the pleasure she’d just been given. Deena had always been a fantastic lover, even from their very first time together, but this was a whole new level.

As Deena collapsed down onto the bed next to her, Cassidy brought both hands up to her face and covered herself while she burst out laughing. At that instant, there was nothing else she could do. She was absolutely, totally, completely happy, and thoroughly satisfied. I’ve never been fucked like that, she told herself. And she wanted more, only not just yet. She tried to calm herself, but couldn’t stop quivering and laughing.

The two women lay side by side for several minutes, relaxing in the afterglow, Cassidy still occasionally giggling through her hands, much to her embarrassment. Eventually she managed to calm herself enough to uncover her face, open her eyes, and turn to face her lover. One glimpse of Deena’s face was enough to have Cassidy shrieking with laughter all over again. Deena was lying on her side, her cheek resting in the upturned palm of her hand.

“Oh my God, baby, I’m so sorry. You look like you got blasted with a f-firehose!” Another burst of helpless laughter.

“I pretty much was,” Deena said. Grasping Cassidy’s chin, Deena tilted her head back, so she could gaze deep into her lover’s eyes. “And it was fucking awesome.” She crushed her mouth into Cassidy’s in a hard, demanding kiss. Cassidy tensed briefly, then relaxed, allowing herself to be taken, moaning as Deena tongue-fucked her.

After a minute they broke the kiss, both women gasping for breath. Cassidy hopped on top of Deena, straddling her midsection, then leaned down to lick her lover’s face, neck and chest.

“Fuck. My cum tastes sooooo good,” Cassidy cried. “Especially when it’s all over you, babe.” She continued to lick the juices from Deena’s upper half, but soon noticed that Deena’s arm had snaked down between her legs and that she was masturbating while watching Cassidy play.

Cassidy pushed herself back up so that she was kneeling astride Deena’s legs. Reaching down, she snatched Deena’s hand away and brought it up to her own mouth. She took three wet fingers between her lips and sucked them, savoring the flavor of Deena’s pussy.

“You taste good, too.” She licked the remaining few traces of nectar from her lover’s fingers. “I want more.”

Deena sat up and kissed Cassidy again, just long enough to get a taste of her own pussy on her tongue. Grasping the smaller woman by her shoulders, Deena threw her down onto the bed, reversing their positions so that now she was on top, straddling Cassidy.

“Oh yeah, baby. You know I like it when you do that, throw me around like a rag doll.” Cassidy moaned.

Deena knelt above her lover, feeling the heat of her own pussy, yearning to have it be pleasured.

“I need to ask you to do something for me,” Deena said. “It’s kinda wild, but think you’ll like it.”

“Anything for you,” Cassidy replied, her fingertips painting lovely patterns on Deena’s ass.

Deena smiled down at Cassidy. “You know that little girl voice you do?”

Cassidy immediately raised her pitch an octave and added a slight but noticeable lisp. “You mean this?”

“Yes. Yes, that one.” Deena scooted forward a bit so that her pussy was now rubbing against Cassidy’s breasts. “I need you to do that voice for me now. Call me Officer Dean and — and beg me to sit on your face.”

Reaching up to the sides of her head, Cassidy took hold of two handfuls of hair, which she encircled with fingers and thumbs to give herself a couple of makeshift pigtails. She opened her eyes wide, jutted her bottom lip out a bit, then in her best childish voice, said, “Oh please, Officer Dean, I didn’t mean it. It was an accident. I didn’t mean for my firehose to squirt you in the face. Oh please miss, I’ll do anything. Just don’t tell my mommy. She’ll be so mad… she’ll spank my bottom!”

Deena was already rubbing her clit; slow circles at first, getting faster with each rotation. She imagined it was little Katie she was straddling, the child’s body deliciously bare.

Her eyes closed, Deena drifted deeper into the fantasy as Cassidy continued to entreat her in the childish voice. “Oh please, Officer Dean. I’m sorry. I c-couldn’t help it. I’m just a little girl. I’ll do anything to make you happy again.”

Looking up at Deena, Cassidy saw that her eyes were glazed over with lust. Whatever fantasy was unfolding in Deena’s head was about to be acted out on her. Of course, she wasn’t yet aware of little Katie and her equally adorable cousin Emily, but Cassidy did know of her lover’s interest in young girls because she had similar desires of her own.

They had engaged in age play many times, with one or both of them pretending to be young girls — but for some reason, the game felt different tonight. Deena seemed to be caught up in the illicit fantasy like never before.

“You will make me happy, you naughty little girl,” she was saying. “You’re going to eat my pussy, and you’re going to do it now. And if you do a good job, maybe I won’t tell your mother what you did.”

Cassidy frowned. “Huh? I don’t know what you mean. What’s a pussy?”

Getting up on her knees, Deena used two fingers to spread open her pussy, just inches from Cassidy’s lips. “This. This right here is a pussy.” Her sex was gleaming with wetness. “Now beg me to let you lick it, beg me to sit on your face.”

Cassidy moistened her lips. “Please, Officer Dean, let me eat your pussy. Please sit on my face. Pretty pleeeeeease?” She paused, her mouth open and waiting.

Lowering her hips, Deena pressed the juicy flesh of her sex into Cassidy’s face. She ground herself against her lover’s hot, sucking mouth, rocking back and forth, increasing her speed and fervor, a warm tongue snaking around her throbbing clit and dripping hole.

Cassidy didn’t pause in her licking, though she did start to laugh deliriously, her joy much too powerful to contain. Deena reached behind and slapped the side of Cassidy’s breast hard, but not enough to hurt.

Bad girl!” Deena ground her pussy hard onto Cassidy’s mouth and wagging tongue. She then raised herself just long enough to say, “No laughing. Not now, not ever. Do you understand me, little girl?”

Looking away, Cassidy made a mournful face and pretended to cry. “Y-yes, I understand.” She let out a fake sob and then turned back to Deena and stared directly into her lover’s eyes, her lower lip trembling, and said, “ You’re a mean old lady.” Then, with a wink, Cassidy slipped back into her normal voice, “And you’re a fucking criminal.”

Growling with pure lust, Deena slammed her open cunt back down onto Cassidy’s face and started to ride with a fury she never knew she possessed. After a couple of minutes Deena knew that Cassidy had to be short of breath, but she was too caught up in the raw heat of the moment to even slow down, much less stop.

At one point, Deena had slid forward enough to feel the tip of her lover’s nose slip into the outermost part of her vagina. It felt nice, but Deena wanted more. “Put your tongue in me, baby!” she gasped. “Push it deep into my hole.”

Cassidy gripped Deena’s ass to steady herself, then thrust her tongue as far into Deena’s pussy it could go — nearly two inches, she estimated.

Deena continued to work her hips, riding Cassidy’s mouth for almost another three minutes. As she began to sense her approaching climax, Deena felt her legs tremble beneath her, and keeping her balance grew increasingly difficult.

Cassidy gave her lover a couple of quick swats to the ass and then helped steady Deena’s body as she continued her frenzied licking. She was laser-focused on her task, with only two objectives in mind. The first was making sure Deena had the best orgasm of her life, just like she’d had earlier. The second was to be the recipient of a mouthful of creamy cum.

Tilting forward, Deena withdrew her sex from the reach of Cassidy’s tongue and looked down into her lover’s eyes. “Fuck, yes! You are doing such a good job, little girl.”

Deena then resumed grinding her clitoris against the younger woman’s chin, lips, and nose. She was getting close now. Time to take it all the way, time to have Cassidy bring her over the top.

“Listen up, little girl,” Deena panted. “If you can get me off in the next sixty seconds, I promise not to tell your mother all the bad things you did.”

In addition to Deena’s thing for little girls, Cassidy was also aware of her lover’s other fetish. Incest. She knew that Deena found the idea of a mother making love to her daughter just as hot and dirty as sex with a young girl. An idea suddenly occurred to Cassidy that was impossible to resist, so she went with it.

Cassidy gave Deena a hard shove, causing the bigger woman to tumble backward off the bed. They both immediately got up — Cassidy kneeling on the bed, Deena standing at the foot.

“What the actual fuck?” raged Deena.

Cassidy made a pouty face, pretending to cry again. “I was right. You are a mean old lady. You — you said you were gonna tell my mommy how bad I was, b-but then you said you wouldn’t.”

Deena looked Cassidy up and down. What the fuck is she up to? Cassidy delighted in the look of utter confusion on Deena’s face.

“Don’t you get it, you silly bitch?” Cassidy said, still speaking in her childish register. “I want you to tell my mommy. I want her to grind her dirty cunt into my pretty little face, just like you did. I want her to punish me, too.”

Suddenly, Deena’s body started to shake. An image flashed in her mind, one of pretty little Katie and her equally pretty mother Kim kissing passionately. Just like that, she was coming, massive spasms of ecstasy shaking her helpless frame. Her vision went blurry, she lost her balance and fell to the floor where she stood. She imagined the lovely Rachel and her adorable daughter Emily in a sixty-nine, each feasting lustfully on the other, moaning and begging for release in between licks.

Deena’s body continued to convulse for nearly a minute. Cassidy perched herself on the foot of the bed, looking down at her lover, watching her go through the rise and descent of her earth-shattering orgasm.

Eventually, a dazed Deena opened her eyes, gazing up into the face of an angel. “Um…w-w-what just happened?” she asked.

“I think I made you come, just by talking,” Cassidy said, then giggled.

“Yeah… you sure did.”

Cassidy held out her arms. “C’mere, you.”

Struggling to her knees, Deena crawled up onto the bed. The two women laid down side by side and embraced, their arms and legs entwined. They were silent for several minutes, each giving the other an occasional kiss on the lips or the cheek or the forehead, sometimes exchanging contented smiles, and staring into each other’s eyes.

Cassidy finally broke the silence. “I’m sorry I pushed you so hard, babe. I didn’t think you’d fall off the bed.”

With a chuckle, Deena leaned in and gave Cassidy a very tender kiss on her lips. “No, my love, don’t apologize. It was perfect.” She gazed at her lover thoughtfully for a few moments more, then added, “How do you do that? How do you always know the exact right thing to say or do?”

Cassidy drew Deena’s hands up close to her and kissed them tenderly. “You know how I do it,” she said.

“You mean you…” A look of concern crossed Deena’s face.

“No. No, of course not. I promised you that I would never do that.”

“So how, then?”

“The same way you do it, babe.” She nuzzled Deena’s hands again. “Because you’re my best friend. You’re my true love. You’re my soulmate. And I’m yours. The day we met, I knew you were the one. I felt it here.” Cassidy reached out and touched Deena’s chest, feeling the thumping beneath her breast. “And I know you felt it, too.”

Deena blinked and a small tear escaped, rolling down her cheek. “I did. Love at first sight.”

They embraced, overwhelmed by their shared love. It was a magical feeling, even better than the orgasms they’d just enjoyed. The highs of physical pleasure were wonderful, but temporary. Their love was an eternal, infinite thing. Greater than space or time or all the energy of all the countless stars in the heavens. And it belonged only to them.

***

Part 2 – Awakening

It was the buzzing that woke her up. That constant drone in the back of her skull. It was usually so quiet that she hardly ever noticed, but on this night, it had awakened her.

She glanced over at the sleeping form of her lover, pleased to see a small smile gracing the woman’s serene face. Leaning over, she gently kissed her forehead, then turned to peer at the digital readout of the clock on her nightstand. 4:38 AM. She knew her lover wouldn’t wake up for another couple of hours at least, and thought it best to let her sleep.

Abruptly throwing her legs over the side of the bed, she stood up. The hint of moonlight that spilled into the room through the partially open window was enough for her to see by, and from there she noticed herself reflected in the tall dressing mirror in the corner of the room. She walked over to it and studied herself. Slightly tanned skin. Large breasts with small pink nipples. Long blonde hair. Wide hips and a curvaceous ass. Soft lips the color of rose petals. Blue eyes, deep as the sky, clear as the reflection in a mountain lake. She stared into those eyes and started counting down from ten.

“Ten,” she whispered.

“Nine.” The buzzing in her head raised in pitch.

“Eight.” She could feel a heat rising from her chest.

“Seven.” Her vision began to narrow.

“Six.” The buzzing was louder now, like a swarm of angry wasps.

“Five.” A feverish sensation gripped her and she started sweating.

“Four.” The room seemed to shake where she stood, but her eyes maintained their hard, sharp focus.

“Three.” The buzz was now a singular high-frequency tone reverberating through her.

“Two.” It felt as though her body was on fire.

“One.” She closed her eyes… and that was when she saw her for the first time.

Across town, Katie Connors awoke in a cold sweat and immediately sat up, her heart pounding wildly. She’d dreamed of a woman, one whose face she couldn’t see. She thought of Deena, but knew somehow that it wasn’t her.

Lying back down and resting her head upon her pillow she stared out the window. The moon overhead shone brightly. Katie shivered, closed her eyes and fell back to sleep.

On to Chapter 3!

 

10 Comments on Greenfield Tales, Chapter 2

  1. David says:

    Wow that was so erotic, the love making so intense and well detailed. I like the little bit of mystery you added with the countdown, thinking there is some kind of connection between Deena and Katie! Looking forward to the next chapter.

  2. obsessive imaginings says:

    Hmmm methinks something supernatural has been added to the mix. Thanks for the chapter.

  3. Curtis says:

    This is just too good. Well written, a plot, and now paranormal abilities, this an excellent story.

    Please post a little faster, am dying of curiousity.

    Thank YOU for Posting

  4. JB West says:

    Thank you all for the kind words. I’m glad that you’ve been enjoying the story so far and I hope that you’ll find the chapters to come just as enjoyable as this one if not more so.

  5. kim says:

    Yes,now very much in to this story. Looking forward to the next chapter.

    Kim & Sue

  6. Captain Midnight says:

    How remarkably interesting!

    If Cassidy’s thoughts didn’t wake Katie, was it Rachel?

    I greatly enjoy this. The lovemaking between Deena and Cassidy was very nicely done and now I am intrigued by what might happen next.

  7. Daz says:

    I think a fair amount of this story so far is superfluous to the main story line. I once edited 4 pages from a text book to 2 pages for a course submission and not one detail from the relevent information was missing, the same thing is going on here.

    • sue says:

      Yes, we’re very sure you could edit the bible down to a paragraph as well. Good for you.

      • Sapphmore says:

        Part of my job entails writing assessments, reviews and reports and summarising incidents etc, but then the whole purpose of these is to disseminate factual information as briefly as possible. I’m not trying to build the character of the people involved, or tell their family history, nor guess their motivation for whatever they did or didn’t do.
        As Sue pointed out, I’m sure every story or even book could be brought down to a few bullet points, but that wouldn’t make for very engrossing reading. If I were presented with 4 pages of text to summarise and did my job properly, I’d expect the result to be no more than one page, then my director would ask me to get it down to half a page so the board could understand it.
        Like other writers who submit tales to JS, when I write a story, I want readers to engage with the characters, to feel like they know them or want to be in their position and want to know what awaits them, which unfortunately means adding superfluous stuff. It’s a shame Charles Dickens is dead, as he might benefit from your astute critique.
        Maybe Daz, you might consider waiting until stories end, so that you can choose to ignore anything that exceeds your attention span.

    • BlueJean says:

      I find myself learning how to be more economical with words as I become a more experienced writer, but there’s a fine line between making every word count and sucking the soul out of a story by reducing it down to its core components.

      Was that edited two pages of text anywhere near as interesting as the original four?

      ‘A green hunting cap squeezed the top of the fleshy balloon of a head.’

      A CONFEDERACY OF DUNCES (1980), John Kennedy Toole

      ‘He wore a hat.’

      Daz’s abridged version

Leave a Reply to obsessive imaginings Cancel reply

Please review the terms of use and comment etiquette before commenting. Messages that break our rules will be removed.

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.