Oh Man Why Am I Writing This Down?, Part 2

by unfastened belts

Soon after that, of course I started browsing the internet. The usual stuff. Websites about female anatomy, discussion forums. As you all know, the internet tends to be very liberal and soon the bad feelings about it started to fade a bit. Of course they're still there somewhere subconsciously, that stuff doesn't just go away forever if you've been raised a certain way. But my curiosity was woken and I started feeling sexy when I read those websites. I sometimes masturbated when I went to bed now. When I found a website (now gone) about masturbation techniques, my hand went into my pants and from that point I started doing it on the computer as well. Not that I acted upon what I read, I didn't want to lose my virginity and kept my fingers away from my hymen.

Later, I started browsing porn websites, too. All of this wasn't too comfortable because at that time we only had one family PC (technically my mother's) and I could only do this when no one else was in the house or everyone was asleep (I've always been allowed to stay up as late as I want on weekends and during vacations) and of course I had to clear the cache after I was done etc.

At some point I noticed that I'd recently been usually ending up at lesbian porn. At first I reasoned that I liked seeing people feel good the same way that I feel good. I could care less for a guy coming, I just won't experience it the same way at any time in my life so why bother? With girls, I can see two "me"s enjoying themselves.

The more porn I saw, though, the more I realised that not only did I not care for guys, I did find them to turn me off. I won't talk about all the reasons that I don't like male genitals, since you are reading stories on this site, you're well aware yourself I believe.

I started noticing that not only did I like to see girls coming, I also liked to see girls enjoying themselves a lot by making the other happy. Odd as it may seem, but only after this sexual stuff did I wonder about who I found attractive in real life. With a very queasy feeling I noticed that my mind would only come up with girls. I hadn't really been in love so far, but then I thought that maybe I just hadn't noticed, having thought that girls could only fall in love with boys. I still don't really know. Thinking back, in elementary school, I'd definitely always been very happy with my best girl friends around and admired them, but who isn't really merry around their best friends at that age?

I got pretty nervous once again, frightened at the thought that not only was I masturbating, not only was I now masturbating to porn, I might even be a lesbian which of course would have been the worst of all. As I said, I had been raised religiously, and I knew that in the bible, both old and new testament, homosexuality was forbidden on pain of death. That was about a year ago, i. e. when I was 14. Already a couple years after my parents had ceased being religious, but still close enough for me to be frightened about my afterlife.

I still wasn't really sure whether I was lesbian. I decided to observe myself more closely. Of course I also consulted the internet again, finding out that should I be lesbian, it seemed very much like it was in my genes; that I was born this way and that a reasonable god should not tell me to act against my nature. In fact, I think this was the first time I thought critically about my religion.

Well, observe I did. I started to notice that I really found a girl, Hanna, from a different form group at school, to be very good-looking.

One word about form groups, I guess. As everyone on here can now see due to the flag next to my author's name, I'm from Germany although I didn't really want to give that away. I guess whoever put my story up figured it from my email account and put it up as a red flag that my English might not be the best. Anyway, in Germany, after 4 years of elementary school, you stay together in form groups for the rest of your school life at secondary school; in the case of the school type I go to, for 8 years. There are usually four different groups per form, each with 20 to 28 or so pupils in my form's case.

I kept looking at people in general. I saw boys, some of which I thought were good-looking, but most of which just looked plain uninteresting. I saw girls, quite a couple of which I thought were good-looking, a couple I didn't care for, and Hanna, who looked really fantastic. I don't think I'll put up a description of her, because what I find fantastic, someone else finds boring and dull, so just imagine her as looking like someone that you'd find to just look fantastic.

I kept seeing her everywhere, of course. The school halls, sport lessons (all form groups at my school have sport lessons at the same time in the same big, partitioned hall), the patio, outside the school.

At first I kept telling myself that my brain was making things up because it was trying to look too deep into things. Obviously I thought about being lesbian, so my brain now tried to imagine I was lesbian. I tried to reason about it. Did I really think Hanna looked good? Yes, I thought she looked great. Did I mean that in a way that I admired her looks and wanted to look like that? Yes, why not, but I didn't feel like that was all there was to it. Did I look at her the same way I looked at other persons? Come on now, these questions are getting vague...

I did all that I could really do and kept trying to check what I was feeling when I saw her... or anyone else for that matter. I hadn't really exchanged more than 10 words in the last couple years with Hanna and didn't know a lot about her, either. Unfortunately, as illogical as nature is being here, that's usually the perfect grounds to fall in love with someone. Maybe I'm shallow.

Might be I was talking myself into it, but the more time passed by, the surer I seemed to be that I'd fallen in love with her. I hoped to see her somewhere all the time, and when I did, there was an odd feeling in my stomach. When she happened to look at me, I looked away. (Again, nature, if you're listening, that's the best way for humans to achieve the opposite of what they want to, namely to seem normal and stay unnoticed.)

I don't know why, but I didn't want to talk about this with any of my male best friends. It sounds very illogical I suppose, but I wanted to confide this to my best girl friend. (I say that because at least to me it sounds illogical. Guys usually find lesbians hot. Girls are afraid that they might be the target. Right...?) That's Sara, who is in my form group.

As I said, my best friends are 3 boys. Sara comes next but I wouldn't say she's one of my best friends because we don't do stuff together as often. I can definitely talk to her about everything, though. I visit her sometimes. We often end up talking about movies, she's obsessed about them and surely has at least 500 DVDs. As I said, I'm more into music, but we happen to have very similar tastes in movies so we can talk about that on end. So one day at school, I decided to talk to her during a break.

"Hey Sara, can I come visit you after school today?"

"Well, uhm... Yeah, sure! Have anything to do in mind, then?"

"...Not really. I'd just really like to talk with you."

"What about?" Did this have to be so hard? Just say yes, stupid.

"I think I'm in love with someone", I said. I couldn't help but smile a bit. Of course, Sara started grinning widely.

"You are? Who is it?" I lowered my voice.

"Well that's what I want to talk to you about."

"You can definitely come with me after school, we're also having spaghetti today, I know you love that, just tell me who it is now!" She'd lowered her voice too, now, but she was still smiling all over her face. I took a few seconds to convince myself to tell her this.

"It's Hanna." Smile's gone. She started looking confused

"Wait what, who?" I didn't reply. I knew that she understood what I'd said. I felt uncomfortable and started looking around at things until she continued a couple seconds later. "Hanna from group C?"

"Yeah."

"So you're a lesbian?" I felt like telling her no, I've always secretly been a boy, yes I am a lesbian you fool! Instead I said:

"I don't know." I thought for a bit, then I tried to be more insisting, voice still low however: "Well that's why I want to talk to you!" The schoolbell rang. The teacher was already in the classroom. I just looked Sara in the eyes for a couple more seconds trying to convey... something, then I got back to my place.

The rest of the lessons went by and I couldn't concentrate on anything. After school and on our way home to Sara, we talked unenthusiastically about anything else but that topic. She looked like I felt, distracted. I kept telling myself to look her in the eyes because I found them straying random places out of awkwardness again.

By the time we were at her home 20 minutes of walking later, we were feeling more or less comfortable again. I really like her family (her parents and a brother, Rick) so lunch was nice.

After we put our plates into the dishwasher, we went upstairs into her room. I started feeling queasy again but she's naturally joyous and the first thing she did was to show me a trailer of an upcoming movie she was excited about. She sat on a chair, I on her bed. After we'd exchanged one or two adjectives about the trailer, we just sat there. She looked at me smiling, not in that almost gloating "cool, you're in love, who is it?!" way, but that nice "if you want to talk about something, go ahead" way. Of course that nice smile makes things harder I guess. Maybe because I don't like myself too much. But this isn't supposed to be psychoanalytic, we're digressing.

I didn't really know what to say. Good that Sara's awesome, she realised this and started herself.

"Hanna, hmm?"

"Mhm."

"Are you sure?"

"I ain't."

"Do you think she looks nice?"

"I think she looks fucking fantastic!", I said a little too loud. I almost never use expletives, either, so I looked down, feeling that I was blushing heavily. I could hear that she was grinning when she replied.

"Clear case here, you're in love."

"I'm not sure I'm lesbian. There are some good-looking boys as well."

"Maybe you're bisexual?" Inside, I shuddered. I hope this isn't even more complicated than it needs be, please...

"Hmmm. Don't know. I don't really think about being bed in with anyone. ...If you know what I mean...?"

"Well it's not named bisexual, homosexual or heterosexual just because of sexual thoughts."

"Yeah, yeah I know. But still. How can I know? You know, I sort of don't really want to be lesbian."

"Hmm. Why not? ...What would your parents think?"

"Oh God, I have no idea. I don't want to think about that." I paused for a second. "What would you think?" She thought about it.

"I don't know. I don't think I'd mind." That doesn't sound too great, I thought. But I knew that it was just a completely new idea for her. It was for me! She didn't seem to be dismissing it yet, she probably really didn't know what to think. I was also pretty sure she liked me too much to just ditch me because of something like that. As long as I wasn't in love with her...

"You know... uhm... I'm not really sure whether I think differently about Hanna than about other persons. I don't imagine being in bed with her or anything. Hell, I don't imagine being in bed with anyone..." Sara laughed.

"Well, you're 14, you don't have to think about being in bed with people yet. Do you think about kissing her?"

"...Not so far, but oh God. Now that you're mentioning it... holy shit... man, I think I really want to kiss her just to try it." I started to smile and drift off. After a bit, Sara asked:

"You feel the same way about any guy?"

"...I don't think so."

She gave me a strange look. I started feeling really queasy again. I feared I knew what was about to come.

"Do you want to kiss me just to try and see whether it does anything for you?" Fuck. What was I supposed to reply to this? Thousand thoughts. Does she say this just to try to find out whether I'm actually in love with her? Does she say this to see whether I'm that type of person, whatever type such a person is? Do I want to do this? Should I do this? Would she tell people? It all sums up to why does she say this. Of course I can't ask her that. She's a good friend, I'm supposed to think that she does it to help me, Christ!

"I don't know." I thought about it for a bit. I came to the conclusion that, her motives aside, yes, I did want to kiss her. I definitely wasn't in love with her, that's not to say she was ugly or anything, just not my type. The normal thing! Hell, who am I explaining this to, right? You know how that works. "...Would you really do it?"

"I would."

"I don't know." I tend to say this way too much, in any type of situation. "I think I feel like the first time should be with a person where I really mean it. ...No offence or anything." We both laughed. At least I hadn't completely lost my sense of humour. Her laughing back assured me that at least she wasn't trying to find out whether I was in love with her, she definitely knew that I wasn't.

"I think like that about sex. But kissing can't do too much bad. You don't have to do it passionately. You don't have to do it at all, just an offer. Hell this is about you, I mean I hope you know this." She didn't say that in a way that seemed like she was actually opposed about the idea, she was smiling. She only wanted to convey exactly what she said: She didn't do it for her pleasure, but she was up for doing it anyway.

Okay. Exactly the type of story you read in discussion forums all the time, girls/siblings just trying out what kissing is like without any feelings involved. If the story's fictional, they always end up falling in love and lead a happy, publically accepted gay/incest relationship. I hate that type of fiction. It makes the real thing that much harder because you have those uncomfortable thoughts burning in the back of your mind. I tried to remind myself that she was just being friendly and that I didn't feel anything for her. She sure as hell didn't feel anything for me. I mean, aside from being a good friend. I decided that – gulp, oh God I was up for it. I thought about telling her not to tell anyone, but as much as I wanted to do that, I didn't want to insult her. Surely she wouldn't tell! I felt that I was blushing more and more.

"Okay. ...Hmm. ...With tongue?" I blushed even more. Idiotic question. She gave me exactly the right answer, anyway.

"I don't think that needs to be preconceived. Let's just kiss and see where you want to go."

I kept looking at her, frozen where I was. She stood up – my stomach did a backflip that seemed to last forever – and set close beside me on her bed. She looked me in the eyes. She asked:

"Are you sure you want to do this?" Hell, I should be asking her that.

"...Hell, I should be asking you that!"

She still looked me in the eyes. I knew that this time, I had to make the move. I couldn't let her do everything. It would have been rude. She had made me this offer. I should be happy! I guess I was, too!

I moved my head forward. She closed her eyes. I did so too. I had enough presence of mind to tilt my head like you see in movies so as to avoid our noses crashing into each other and put my lips on hers. I guess I should tell you about electric shocks running through my entire body, but they didn't. I wasn't in love with Sara. But I'd known that before! I concentrated on the kiss. It definitely didn't feel bad. In fact, it felt awesome. After a couple of seconds I started to brush her lips lightly with my tongue. She readily opened her mouth and we French kissed. It was one of the coolest feelings I'd ever had. Like the first time you ride a rollercoaster. Of course you start with a small one, no loop-the-loops or anything, but it's just really awesome nonetheless. Of course it's also addictive... After a while I broke the kiss and just looked at her for a couple seconds, then I hugged her hard and said:

"Man, thanks for that." Then she smiled at me and asked:

"So! How did it feel?"

"Really, really good! Oh man! Can we, like, do this all the time?", I said enthusiastically. She knew I wasn't being serious about the last part and laughed.

"I liked it as well! I hope kissing a guy is as good."

"Haha! Well I guess I can't tell, I've never kissed a boy before either."

"I guess that's true", she replied.

We looked at each other for just long enough for me to have queasy thoughts starting to dawn upon me yet again. Sure enough, she sat cross-legged on the mattress and pulled her t-shirt over her head, unclasped her bra and was sitting topless on the bed before me now. A bit frightened, I looked her firmly into the eyes. After a few seconds, I said:

"I hope you know that I don't feel anything for you."

"I definitely hope that you know that I don't feel anything for you."

"Fuck. You're awesome." I smiled and moved fully onto the mattress myself and close to her.

As I said before, Sara definitely wasn't ugly. In fact, her upper body was really fucking beautiful, as her nakedness made me now realise. I stared at it intensely. She didn't seem to mind. She just sat there, slightly leaning back, hands on the mattress and let me stare. Except for my eyes, I didn't move at all. I was completely mesmerized. I scanned every inch of naked skin of hers. Her neck. Her shoulders. Her breast. Her nipples. Her belly. Her sides. Her body was gorgeous.

Without exaggerating, I must have sat there for at least 5 minutes thanking God (or at that point, I guess whoever) for this opportunity. Then I said: "Thanks, Sara. Oh my God. I'm definitely lesbian." Sara was in the process of putting on her t-shirt again when I happened to look at the door. It was open and Sara's mom was standing in there.

Sara and I both blushed as hard as anyone could ever blush and just sat there mesmerized for a few seconds. Then I got up, ran past Sara's mom and downstairs, grabbed my shoes, ran outside in my socks, slammed the door behind me, kept running for at least 300 feet until the house was out of sight and put my shoes on. No one was following me, but on my way home I was running till I just couldn't anymore and walked the rest. 20 minutes later I was home.

I slammed the door shut behind me again. My parents weren't there. Bo was there looking at me worried.

"There was a phone call." Fuck.

"For me?"

"For Sally Jackson." Sally was both my mom's and Bo's real name. I can't recall when we started calling Bo Bo, but when she picked up the phone she used to say Sally Jackson. I guess she was curious about who was phoning for mom and often enough people would think she was her and started going into detail. Depending on how uninteresting it was, Bo would reveal she was Sally's daughter sooner or later.

"What did they say?"

"It was Sara's mom." Fuck. Well yeah, Lisa, obviously! "She said that her daughter had acted very inappropriately and that she believed that I... well, that mom should have a serious talk with you about... whatever happened, as well." She still looked bemused.

"Did she go into detail about what it was?", I urged.

"She didn't. What was it?"

"I can't tell you. Please, Bo, don't tell mom, will you?" She sighed.

"I guess I won't, but I really wish you would tell me." Not because she was worried, just because she was curious.

"Please don't make me. I will if you'll tell mom otherwise, but please, I really don't want to."

"Fiiine..." I hugged her and of course she couldn't resist a smile.

I went into my room and threw myself into the bed, smashing my face into the cushion so that no one could see me. Sometimes I'm mentally 4. I started to dose, thinking about Sara's wonderful body. Then I imagined it was Hanna's body. Then I imagined kissing Hanna like I kissed Sara. Then I felt that I was getting incredibly wet. I hoped that Sara didn't get grounded or worse and proceeded to think that it was a really wonderful day.