Ask Aunt Sheila – 19

by Sheilamuffin

Dear Aunt Sheila
I am worried to death. I came home early one afternoon and found my 13-year-old son in my bedroom wearing my undies, and he had even tried to use my makeup. Worst of all, he was masturbating. I am at my wit's end, What should I do?
Worried Mom

Dear Worried Mom
Take him shopping, buy him a complete outfit - undies, dresses, the lot. You could also show him how to use makeup properly.
I agree that the masturbating can be a problem, it makes such a mess, so buy him a big box of tissues as well.
And stop worrying. Any boy who wants to be a girl can't be all bad!

Dear Aunt Sheila
My young daughter seems to be obsessed with my breasts. She climbs into bed with me sometimes and starts to nuzzle into them, and sometimes she even fondles them. What scares me is that I find it pleasurable, so I don't try to stop her. What is wrong with her? Come to that, what is wrong with me?
Alison (full name and address supplied)

Dear Alison
The answer to your two questions is Nothing and Nothing, respectively. Next time your lovely daughter cuddles up to you, slide your hand between her thighs and check to see if she is wet. If she isn't, I will eat my dildo! And if you aren't just as wet, I will eat the straps too!

Dear Aunt Sheila
I am just 19, and all I can think about is having an older woman take care of me, you know, like adopting me as her daughter and loving me in all kinds of ways. It's like I need a mother-figure to take care of me. I daren't talk to anyone about this, but I thought maybe you would understand. Please don't publish my name and address.
Silly Girl

Dear Silly Girl
I do understand, and luckily yours is a non-problem, because there are thousands of "older women" out there just longing for a pretty young girl like you to "take care of". I know, because I am one! So, please don't be silly any longer. Be smart, write to me privately, and I am sure we can come to a mutually satisfying arrangement.

Dear Aunt Sheila
I am happily married, but lately my hubby has started to go on about me having a lesbian relationship with him joining in. I so want to please him but the idea really revolts me. I thought you - you are lesbian, aren't you? - might understand.
Confused Carrie

Dear Confused Carrie
Oh yes, I do understand. Your husband is an asshole.

Dear Aunt Sheila
At our end-of-year office party, the woman who is in charge of Personnel came on to me in the restroom. I mean, her hands were all over me, touching my breasts etc, and she even kissed me, I mean, KISSED me the way a man kisses a woman. I guess I was a little drunk, because I didn't resist, in fact, as I recall, I got turned on. I mean, she's no beauty, but for a woman in her forties, she's in good shape. What really weirds me out is that, since then, she behaves towards me as if that thing had never happened. What do you make of that?
Sandra (21)

Dear Sandra
What I make of it, dear, is that the sooner you find yourself a woman like her, the better! It's clear you are drooling for a repeat performance, and if she isn't willing to oblige, go find yourself a woman who is. If you need any help with contact groups for women seeking women, etc, email me.

Dear Aunt Sheila
Did you ever pay for sex? I only ask because, well, to be honest with you, I am a hooker, and I have been approached to become a "lesbian hooker", ie, available to women who are prepared to pay for sex with another woman. I guess it's no big deal, but I would be interested to know your take on this.
PS I bet you won't publish THIS letter in your column!
"Annie" (real name and address supplied)

Dear Annie
You are right, I almost didn't publish your letter. After all, people have a certain image of me, and to admit that I had paid for sex might not be good PR! But, sure, yes, a couple of times, when I have been away on business and I was sitting alone in a hotel room and I was horny, I picked up the phone and ordered "room service with a difference". My advice to you, is go for it, girl. You will enjoy it much more than what you are doing now with men, and it's safer, and, well, in fact, if you give me your contact details and location, I might be able to help you even more....

Dear Sheila
Don't you EVER take a moral stance on sexual issues? You seem to approve of every kind of deviant behavior, or at least tolerate it. There are standards, you know. What would happen if everybody just went off and practised their perversions? Is there NO sexual depravity that you would condemn?
Chas Devlin, Rev.

Dear Rev Devlin
I would condemn any kind of sexual depravity that did not result in pleasure and satisfaction for both parties involved. So, please, go fuck yourself. And I hope you both get pleasure and satisfaction from the experience.

Dear Aunt Sheila
How long would you go on munching a girlfriend's muff? Like, an hour? Two hours? Three hours? More?
I only ask because I love muff-munching, but my jaw starts to ache after a while. Also, I sometimes find it lonely down there after a while, you know, like, nobody to talk to.
Maggie the Mouth (name and address supplied)

Dear Maggie
I love ya, girl! I have no idea how long is long enough, like I have no idea how long a piece of string needs to be. As to the lack of conversation while your head is buried in the honeypot, what do you want to talk about? The credit crunch? The price of plums? Just be glad you have a muff to munch, sweetie, some of us are feeling a tad depraved these days!

Dear Aunt Sheila
My girlfriend bought a strapon to use on me, and that was cool. I am not much into penetration, I prefer, well, you know, external stimulation of my labia and my clitoris - god, that sounds so CORNY - but I want to please her, so I agreed. But when she strapped up, she put a CONDOM on her "cock". How weird is that?! It ruined everything, because I just collapsed in giggles and couldn't stop. She got really pissed, but honestly, a CONDOM? She won't talk about it now and I really don't know how to get past this breakdown in our relationship.
Gorgeous Georgia

Dear Georgia
Sorry I was so long in replying, but I had a prolonged attack of the giggles too. Maybe your girlfriend is going for total authenticity. Tell her you appreciate her concern not to get you pregnant. No, better still, tell her you want it in the ass, in which case, the condom might be a good idea. No, that won't work either. Hell, Georgia, go find another girlfriend who isn't so weird.

Dear Aunt Sheila
If they find out I wrote this, I will be in deep trouble. I am a novice nun, and I am being systematically raped by older nuns in the convent. Every night they come, strip me and perform sex acts on me that I shudder even to describe to you. But you can imagine: there is nothing they won't do with their fingers and their tongues and various phallic-shaped objects that they insert into my vagina and my anus. There is no way I can leave the convent, there is no way I can report this to the Mother Superior. Must I spend the rest of my days being raped by sex-crazed lesbian sisters?
Sister Angelina

Dear "Sister Angelina"
Yeah, sure. What's your REAL name? Tom? Harry? Mike? It's a good fantasy, isn't it, and gives you the chance to jerk off like the jerkoff you are. By the way, sex between nuns is way better than anything you or your pathetic cock can ever imagine. Do me a favor, and don't get a life. Just stay the way you are. Pathetic.

Dear Aunt Sheila
What is the difference between a lesbian, a dyke and a sapphist?
Curious Candy

Dear Candy
A lesbian is a woman who loves women. A dyke is a woman who loves women, and lets everyone know it. A sapphist is a woman who loves women, and also writes poetry. And now a question for you, dearest: what the fuck does it matter as long as you are doing it right?!