Ask Aunt Sheila – 18

by Sheilamoist

Once again, I have tried to cull a representative sample of correspondence from my agony column. I am always willing to respond to private enquiries, but I reserve the right to publish them if I think they will help others.

As always, this column is for entertainment only. It does not attempt to give real advice.

Dear Aunt Sheila
How did you cope with the menopause, Aunt Sheila? Mine has been a nightmare, you know, hot flushes, cramps, crawly skin, mood swings, the lot.
Nora W, 48

Dear Nora
I cheated. The big H followed by HRT. Piece of cake. Sorry about yours. Still, doesn't stop you fucking, does it?!

Dear Sheila
Why are today's young lesbians so AGGRESSIVE? I mean, in your face, and all that.
Worried Mom.

Dear Worried Mom
I have no problem with any aggressive young lesbian who wants to be in my face.

Dear Aunt Sheila
What's your take on same-sex marriages? I know my church is dead against them.
Confused [name and address supplied]

Dear Confused
I think you said it all: your church is dead.

Dear Aunt Sheila
I can't believe how wonderful sex with another woman is! I have finally found Ms Right, and every moment of our love life is just unbelievably beautiful. It's like I am permanently on, and I mean ON! I never thought I would "take the step", but reading your column kind of inspired me to be honest with myself. And now, wheeeeeeeeeeee!!!
Happy Alison

Dear Happy Alison
Your lovely letter brought tears of joy to my eyes, sweetie. I hope your letter will be an inspiration to other women who are hesitating about whether to "take the plunge". Why go with a male when the real thing is all around you, like ripe fruit waiting to be picked?

Dear Aunt Sheila
Where do you stand on strapon dildoes?
Curious Carrie

Dear Carrie
I don't stand on them, darling, I sit on them.

Dear Aunt Sheila
Can you give any practical hints on how to eat pussy to make my partner happy? I mean, she does me and I go wild, but I am not sure I am doing it right for her. Like, she never complains, but she hardly utters a sound, and somehow I feel she's kind of not getting there, know what I mean?
Lorraine

Dear Lorraine
Ooooooooh, aaaaaaaaah, mmmmmmmmmmmmmm, moannnnnnnnnn, yeah!!!!!!!!!!!!!, wow!!!!!!!!!, oh my goddddddddddddddddd! Is that what you are expecting? Forget it. If she wasn't "getting there", she would let you know, and it's not about making all those silly noises, believe me. My gf Ruth, for example, hardly made a sound, except maybe an occasional growl, but I had no doubt I was hitting the spot when she would grab my hair and nearly pull it out by the roots. Oh yes, and some spectacular thigh trembling.

Dear Aunt Sheila
How come you are so self-confident, I mean, so sure of yourself? Most of my lesbian friends spend half their lives agonizing over whether they have made the right choices, where they are REALLY going with their lives, etc. But you, you are like, so fucking SERENE. Sorry, I don't mean that as a criticism.
Love
Elizabeth Starling

Dear Elizabeth Starling
Thank you for describing me as "fucking serene". I am anything but! All the same, I have lived on this planet long enough to know that between black and white there are a thousand shades of grey. And long enough to know that if there is anything in this universe more beautiful than the love between two women, God forgot to tell us about it.

Dear Sheila
What's your take on anal intercourse?
Fiona

Dear Fiona
My take is I like to take it, but I am also very willling to give! Seriously, it is a very intimate form of lovemaking between two women so make sure that you are with the right partner, ie, any woman who wants to strap up and give it to you big time! LOL

Dear Sheila
Is there, in your view, a minimum age at which girls become aware of their sexual attraction to other girls?
Teresa, mother of three girls

Dear Mother Teresa
As you already know the answer, why are you asking me the question? Let's be honest, you are already having sex with your darlings, right? Good for you!

Dear Aunt Sheila
Is it possible to love two people at the same time? And just as intensely?
Zoe, confused.

Dear Confused Zoe
Yes it is. but if either finds out about the other, you might just get a kick in the crotch.
So, darling, it all depends on your discretion, or, failing that, how much you enjoy pain.

Dear Aunt Sheila
Is there a difference between cunnilingus and muff-munching? Please don't publish my name as I don't want people to know what a dweeb I am.
X [name and address supplied]

Dear X
If there is a difference between cunnilinus and muff-munching, I don't know what it is. To be honest with you, X, when you are doing it, I advise you to keep your mind clear of semantics, a hot wet pussy should be enough for any red-blooded American girl! And you are NOT a dweeb, sweetie, you are a muff-munching cunnilinguist.

Dear Aunt Sheila
I am so ashamed, my penis is SO small, I mean, it's TINY, even when erect, so what chance have I got with girls? What do you advise? Should I buy one of those penis enlargement devices? Do they work?
Unhappy Harry

Dear Unhappy Harry
Oh dear, what IS your problem? Do you get pleasure playing with your diminutive dickie? Do you feel good when you do that loadshooting thing? Listen, take my advice, forget about finding a girl, become a chronic masturbator like the other 80% of the male population. As to penis enlargement devices, I have spent my whole life trying to cause men to LOSE their erections, so I am really the wrong person to ask.

Dear Aunt Sheila
Do you approve of sniffing soiled underwear? Isn't that a perversion?
SallyAnn

Dear SallyAnn
How else are you going to know if your knickers are good for one more day?