Ask Aunt Sheila – 17

by Sheilamoist

I am not qualified to give advice, but someone has to do it.

I can't believe how many people write to me! I think I may end up as a national institution!

Dear Aunt Sheila
Is it true that a woman's sex drive diminishes when she gets into her late forties? I only ask because my partner says she thinks I seem to have gone off lovemaking lately. My problem is I am SO busy with all my charity work and things, I mostly just want to sleep when I go to bed.
Barbara F

Dear Barbara F
No, it is not true. And yes, your problem is that you've got your priorities all wrong. "Charity begins at home", they say, so go figure. The only problem any of us have is forgetting that we need to woo and be wooed just as much in our late forties - or our late nineties for that matter - as we did in the first flush of our passion for each other. So, put the cat out for the night, and concentrate on the other pussy that's waiting for you.

Dear Aunt Sheila
I am not lesbian, in fact the very idea makes me shudder. I know you are a nice person, but why do you keep advising girls to become lesbians? It's unnatural, you must know that.
Agnes Holdsworth, 18

Dear Agnes
If you are not lesbian, what are you? Oh that. Well, after he's fucked you, he'll be out with his buddies telling them what a great lay you are. Believe me, the moment of truth comes when he wants to fuck you in the ass. That really IS something he can tell his buddies. If that's what you think of as "natural", I can't help you, sweetie.

Dear Aunt Sheila
What is a diesel dyke? It's such a weird expression!
Carrie

Dear Carrie
I really wouldn't know, dear, but I was told that you can always tell a diesel dyke because she is a lesbian who rolls her own tampons and kickstarts her vibrator. Hope this helps.

Dear Aunt Sheila
I am like suicidal. My girlfriend kicked me out after THREE years living together. When I asked her why, she just shrugged and said "LBD, sweetie". What the hell is that supposed to mean? She wouldn't explain.
Karen P

Dear Karen
The letters stand for "Lesbian Bed Death", and they describe that moment when the passion has gone out of the relationship. Contrary to popular opinion, lesbians are no different from hetero couples: it's all about two people caring for each other, and not just about tipping the velvet, dipping the wick, or whatever expression you use for the physical side of the relationship. Email me privately and we might be able to explore your situation in more depth, sweetie. I really would like to probe you.......

Dear Aunt Sheila
What do you think about carrots?
Love
Angie

Dear Angie
Diced in an Irish stew, they are delicious, dear. Stuffed in a cunt, they lose their appeal very quickly. But if that happens to you, just rinse them, dice them and put them in an Irish stew anyway. Waste not, want not, I always say.

Dear Aunt Sheila
Is it true that Queen Elizabeth the First of England was a lesbian?
Curious Charlie

Dear Charlie
If she wasn't, she wasted the best years of her life, although, to her credit, she did have a lot of men executed for not being nice to her.

Dear Aunt Sheila
I am a mere male, and I have to say that you duck the basic issue as far as lesbians are concerned: you are all afraid of being penetrated by a good hard cock. Sorry if that offends you, but it needs to be said.
Wally the Fish
PS I bet you don't have the balls to publish my letter.

Dear Wally
You are right, I don't have balls, but I am happy to publish your letter, as a living testament to the arrogance of males. For the purposes of impregnation, penetration is necessary (though not any more, thanks to IVF). For the purposes of pleasure, ie, enjoying sex, penetration is about as necessary to a woman's pleasure as a bedful of smelly male farts.

Dear Aunt Sheila
My mom and me do all kinds of stuff together, ever since I was little, and it's been great, but I am growed up now, and I want to do my own thing. How can I tell my mom this without hurting her feelings?
Sharon, 15

Dear Sharon
Oh dear. poor you, poor mom. Listen, girl, there are two kinds of propositions in life. The first is EITHER-OR, the second is BOTH-AND. Too often in life, people assume that they have to choose the first, but in most cases, it's easy and much better to choose the second. So, Sharon, don't think that it's either mom or another girlfriend, think that it's mom AND another girlfriend. Also, keep your mind open to the possibility that, as the saying ought to go: "two's company, three's a whole lot of fun"!

Dear Aunt Sheila
What is your take on global warming?
Henrietta

Dear Henrietta
Well, I've heard that it's because we are burning more and more fossil fuels, I have also heard that it is partly the result of methane gas released by cattle. To date I have not heard that it is caused by an exponential increase in the number of happy dripping pussies occasioned by the exponential increase in lesbian activity, but if it is, I reckon it's a small price to pay for all that pleasure.

Dear Aunt Sheila
I used to enjoy your column, but I really dislike your obvious anti-male prejudice. I mean, I am cool about lesbians, so why do you have to be so down on males? We're people too, you know.
Arthur B

Dear Arthur B
You are absolutely right, and I apologize right here and now to you and to all the males who feel mortally wounded by the fact that on the whole I think of them as assholes. Maybe you are an exception, Arthur B, but I doubt it.

Dear Aunt Sheila
I love muff-munching, but is it possible to get a STD from it? I just got a cold sore, and I am really worried.
Diane

Dear Diane
Please don't tell me any more. Try Cymex, it doesn't taste as nice as pussy, but it usually does the trick.

Dear Aunt Sheila
What's the difference between bi and lesbian?
Annie Scott

Dear Annie
A bi woman is one who can never decide whether to cross her left leg over her right leg, or her right leg over her left. A lesbian is a happy woman who has better things to do with her life.

Dear Aunt Sheila
Can you recommend a yahoo group where you can guarantee that someone like me can be sure that she will meet genuine lesbians, and not just men pretending?
Fiona, 23

Dear Fiona
No, I can't guarantee that. None of us can. But if you email me privately, I will give you the addies of a couple of groups which are about as safe as any groups can be. Don't worry about the lurking males, though, they wank themselves into an early grave anyway. Oh, I am SUCH a bitch, aren't I?! LOL

Dear Aunt Sheila
What do you think of the L Word?
Rach

Dear Rach
I don't. Still, as TV entertainment goes, it's better than the weather forecast. Just.