Ask Aunt Sheila – 14

by Sheilamoist

Dear Aunt Sheila
My girlfriend is really wild. I love her to bits but sometimes I think she is just over the top. For example, the other day, she suggested we should use a cucumber as a sex toy. I am sure you know what I mean. I said no, and now she is sulking. What do you advise?
Confused [name and address supplied]

Dear Confused
Peel it first.

Dear Aunt Sheila
I was in Warsaw, Poland, recently on business (I work for a cosmetics firm) and at a business meeting, I met this fabulous woman called Ewa. She spoke no English, just a little German (more than I could). Anyway, we had this amazing weekend together - God, I didn't even know that there were lesbian women in Poland! - but since I got back, I think about her, but don't know how to communicate. Phone is out of the question, but even email is difficult. What should I do?
Perfumed Lady [name and address supplied]

Dear Perfumed Lady
You silly woman! Invite her to come and stay with you. You are a lesbian: sweetie, we have the gift of tongues, and that has nothing to do with speaking Polish, German or English or any other damn language!

Dear Aunt Sheila
Is it possible to contact a STD from cunnilingus? It's just that, after eating out a woman I met at a party the other night, I have developed the most awful cold sore.
Annie

Dear Annie
Oh dear, so many myths! I once had a "one-night stand" with a woman who insisted on using her foot to excite my cunt. I can assure you that I did not get athlete's cunt nor did she contract a syphilitic big toe! Do me a favour: relax and enjoy yourself, Annie!

Dear Aunt Sheila
My sister is a lesbian, and I am disgusted. And it's women like you who encourage them. For God's sake, why don't you encourage girls to be normal?
Big brother [name and address supplied]

Dear Big Brother
By normal, you mean, submit to what men want to do to them? Listen, I have no problem with a boy who has incestuous feelings for his sister. but I can imagine how threatened you feel that she prefers her girlfriend to you. May I encourage you to be "normal"? Go out and find yourself a jerk buddy.

Dear Aunt Sheila
I read your column regularly and love how wisely you counsel people. So, I really think you are the only person who will really understand me. I love my husband dearly, he is such a kind man, a good provider, etc, but sex with him is, well, uninspiring. I hear so much these days about women turning to women for love, but I am so scared, and I wouldn't even know how to go about it. Is it just a fantasy, or can a woman find fulfilment with another woman, even at my age?
Sara T, Mrs (aged 48)

Dear Sara T
I'm sorry, my dear Sara, but I cannot help you. You have already given up. So sad. All I can suggest is, if you have access to the Internet, get on to some chatlines, and see where it takes you. God, I get so angry when women waste their lives on some wanker of a man, and only realise their mistake when it's (almost) too late.

Dear Aunt Sheila
What is your view on clitoridectomy (female circumcision) as practised in many Arab and African countries, particularly Muslim ones?
Fatima Z [full name and address supplied]

Dear Fatima
I have always done my best to understand and tolerate the customs of societies very different from my own. I think a philosophy of "live and let live" is a good one. But when it comes to mutilating girls in this way, I lose my cool. You know what really pisses me off? It's the older women in these societies who endorse the continuation of this barbaric practice. Fuck, I despair of my own sex sometimes.

Dear Aunt Sheila
Do you approve of same-sex marriage?
Ali [name and address supplied]

Dear Ali
I am not sure I approve of marriage! Sorry, but when 4 out of 5 end up in divorce, the sex of the partners seems irrelevant. What I do approve of is that people who are in love and want to spend their lives together should bear witness to that commitment in front of family and friends. God, I hate when I am serious!

Dear Aunt Sheila
Is the clitoris really a vestigial penis?
Curious Bill.

Dear Curious Bill
Eat your heart out, child! It may be a vestigial penis, but with about a zillion times more nerve endings than that pathetic cherry-capped dangler between your legs. What the fuck has it got to do with you anyway?

Dear Aunt Sheila
Please don't publish my name or address. I am a novice nun, and I am struggling really hard with my sexual feelings. I simply cannot help it; I am attracted to several other nuns in the convent where I am in training. Some of them let me know that they return my feelings, but of course that is totally forbidden. Please, I am drowning! Should I continue my training, or should I just leave before I do something which before God is a mortal sin?
"Rachel" (not my real name)

Dear Rachel
Sorry? Mortal sin? Do you honestly believe that God has so little to do that She worries if you get carnal with another woman? What are we talking about anyway? Love? Affection? Caring? Sharing? Not being alone on this lonely planet?
Did I miss something? Darling Rachel, I can't comment on the theology, but for God's Sake, take the chance to give and to receive all the love of which you are capable.
Amen

Dear Aunt Sheila
I am devastated. My wife has just announced that she if leaving me. for another woman! How can this be?
Arthur F.

Dear Arthur
For you it can be the most wonderful news. It means two things: [1] at last your wife is happy [2] you can go back to wanking, which is all you are good for anyway.
Happy Days!

Dear Aunt Sheila
What is the difference between a dyke and a lesbian?
Colin Curious

Dear Colin Curious
One is a woman who enjoys sex with other women, and the other is a woman who enjoys sex with other women. You, in contrast, are not getting any. Right? <big smiley face>