Ask Aunt Sheila – 13

by Sheilamoist

I like to share with you some of the highlights from the correspondence I get when people write to my advice column, Ask Aunt Sheila

Dear Aunt Sheila
I have an embarrassing personal problem. I have a small wart-like mole at the top of my vulva, just to the left of my clitoris. I am so self-conscious about this, that I have never let anyone perform oral sex on me. Please tell me if there is something I can do about this. Is surgery an option?

Worried Wanda
Wanda, you silly girl! It's not a wart or a mole. It's a BEAUTY SPOT. Did you know that Madame Dubarry, one of the leading courtesans of the day, had such a growth on her labia, and her lovers, male and female, used to fight to get their tongue into her vulva. So paint it black, my dear, and offer yourself to the next available muffdiver (though I DO hope you will be sensible and ensure that it is a female – men are SO clumsy when it comes to cunnilingus).

Dear Aunt Sheila
I know that you are a crabby old dyke with a low opinion of men, but I hope you will be professional and help me with a problem I have. The truth is, I am a chronic masturbator, and I just have to do it whenever I see two women together. I also watch lesbian porn movies, which always get me off. I can even get a hard on just hearing the word “lesbian”. I am at my wits' end, please help me, even though I am a mere male.
Wanker (name and address supplied).

Dear Wanker
I would happily help you with your problem if I knew what it was. But it seems to me you are doing everything right: you are masturbating all the time, which means that you are not forcing your attentions on real women and you are showing respect and admiration for lesbians. In fact, the only problem you have is thinking that I am a crabby old dyke. At forty-something, I don't regard myself as old....

Dear Aunt Sheila
I want to instruct my daughter in matters of sex, but I am really not sure how to go about it. I have read some stuff and looked at a few web sites, but it all seems so clinical, do you know what I mean? It's like they want to put our sex lives on a par with the mating habits of snails and minke whales and so on. Even the language they use is a turn off. What do you advise?
Alison (mother of Clare, aged 13)

Dear Alison
You are SO right: conventional sex education is about as relevant to today's teenage girls as a lecture on phlogiston. I know what you mean: they treat sex as a mere biological function, its purpose procreation, its side effects potentially terrible, and whatever you do, don't do it till you're married. right? Well, to hell with that, my love. Strip off, get on your bed, call Clare, tell her to undress and climb on the bed beside you. Tell her this is how you learned about sex from YOUR mother, and, well, get started! Explore, touch, fondle, kiss, lick, caress – and keep talking softly. If she asks about boys and penises, which adolescent girls, sadly, are apt to do – tell her she is taking Sex101, and boy are dealt with in Sex102. With any luck, she'll enjoy herself so much with you, she won't want to go on to 102. If it goes well, suggest a sleepover with her friends so she can put into practice what she has learned from her loving momma.

Dear Aunt Sheila
I think my husband is a pedophile. He left his computer running the other night, and when I went into his den, I saw lots of pictures of very young boys, naked, stiff penises, etc. I really don't know what to do. Should I confront him? Leave him? Report him to the authorities? To think of him wanting to, you know, DO THINGS with very young boys, it just makes me nauseous.
Pedo's wife (name and address supplied)

Dear Pedo's wife
Have you ever watched male dogs on a street or in a park? Male dogs will fuck anything. They have only one requirement: it must be a hole and it must be warm and preferably moist. A male dog will fuck a bitch, a male dog, even a donut if it can find one. Male dogs have no discrimination, just an urge in their balls that drives them on. Well, male humans are exactly the same. They really don't give a flying fuck what they stick their nasty penises into as long as it brings them relief. OK, you might be concerned about the young boys that your hubby would like to fuck if he can ever get hold of one. Forget it. First of all, he won't, but if he does, well, the young boy learns from the experience and will be sticking his thing into warm wet holes too in no time at all. What advice do you want from me? Buy some new clothes, get a hairdo, visit the nearest lesbian bar and find yourself some REAL loving. And leave your pathetic hubby to play with himself at his computer.

Dear Aunt Sheila
I am in love with a nun. I have always tried to be a good Catholic girl, and I don't do bad things, except sometimes I shout at my sister, for which I am truly sorry. I am still at school, and Sister Verena is my class teacher. She is amazing, beautiful, caring, just everything, and I know, really I KNOW that she is fond of me, but of course she can't show it. I am going crazy. What should I do? Tricia, aged 14

Dear Tricia
I feel for you, my love, but there is really nothing I can do to help you. I am not of your faith, and have only a slender idea of how nuns deal with their sexual feelings. I guess they pray till the feelings go away. Personally, I jill, but maybe the Pope wouldn't approve of that. You might be able to pick up some useful information from the older girls in your school, since I am sure liaisons between the sisters and their charges do occur from time to time. The only other thing I can tell you is that, when I was your age, I fell madly in love with my Geography Teacher, a tall willowy blonde woman called Miss Pringle. My passion kept me awake at night (and my fingers busy), and then I met my first sweet love, an Irish girl called Maureen, who was in the class above me. And I forgot about Miss Pringle, who, anyway, had the most terrible halitosis. Think about it, Tricia.

Dear Aunt Sheila
I am a regular reader of your Advice Column, and I think you are a very wise and understanding person. And I have a problem: I am not a lesbian, but you always seem to be trying to push girls in the direction of lesbianism. Why do you do that? Are you trying to tell me that there is something wrong with me just because I am attracted to boys? Greta Smith, 18

Dear Greta
There are three things you should do in your life: drink lots of water, get plenty of fresh air and exercise, and always look both ways before you cross the street. Then, there are three more things you might consider doing: brush your teeth at least twice a day, do a kind thing for an old person every day if you can, and never pet a strange dog. There, does that advice make you feel better, dear? One more thing: when you wake up one day and realise that boys are a waste of time, write to me again, ok?

Dear Aunt Sheila
I feel odd calling you Aunt, considering that I am 72, probably old enough to be your GREAT aunt. Still, I feel compelled to write to you, not because I have a problem (at my age, most problems are resolved by something in the medicine chest), but because I want to share with you something I never told a living soul before. When I was in my twenties, I realised that I was sexually and romantically attracted to my own sex. I never did anything about it, I just became one of the army of unmarried women who devoted their lives to their profession, in my case, nursing. And now, at 72, I wonder if I was right to suppress my true nature.
Yours
Rosemary Coulson, Miss. Retired.

Dear Rosemary
I have no words for you. My heart is so full, I can hardly even type right now. I wish I could just hold you very tight and let you know how much I want to make things right. But of course, as you wisely know, it is too late. Or is it? Why should love stop at 72? Anyone reading this who wishes to get in touch with Rosemary, give me your contact details and I will pass them on to her. Rosemary, I cannot tell you how much your letter has affectetd me. I can hardly write for the tears in my eyes.

Dear Aunt Sheila
You go on a lot about sex, but isn't love more important than sex? I was at an all-girl party the other night, and it ended up with lots of girls sprawled on beds or on the floor, doing sexual things to each other, and I swear that most of the time, nobody knew who was doing what and with which and to whom (quote from a limerick). I found this really disgusting, so I left. Am I just a prude, or is love not sex what we all need? Carol W (Mrs)

Dear Carol
I am intrigued that you are MRS W, but went to an all-girl party! I think you need to look into yourself a bit more closely, dear. As to your proposition that it is love not sex that we all really need, I can tell you that we need both. The trick is not to confuse the one with the other. The best deal is to find love and good sex in the same person, and I am still working on that! As are most of the rest of the human race! No, I will not try to give you advice, except to say that you need to chill out.
PS Yes, you ARE a prude, but a nice one.

Dear Sheila Woman
It is the will of Allah that women should submit to men and bear many children for the glory of the Prophet Mohammed, On Him Be All Praise, alhamdulillah. You are a wicked evil woman with your lesbish perversions, corrupting young girls and leading them away from their duty to Allah. I warn you, change your ways, or a fatwa will surely pronounce on you and on all your evil sisters of Satan. Allah Akbar!

Dear Anon
It is a pleasure for me to be able to publish your letter in my column. At least we know now who the fucking enemy is. Alhamdulillah.