Ask Aunt Sheila – 11

by Sheilamoist

Dear Aunt Sheila
Do you think that allowing girls to sleepover with friends is likely to encourage lesbian behavior?
Marianne (Mother of three girls)

Dear Marianne
Oh, I do hope so!

Dear Aunt Sheila
My daughters Justine, Joely and Leonora have started to use the most foul language in front of me , specially the F word and the C word. What can I do about it?
Marianne

Dear Marianne
Didn't you write to me a little while back, Marianne? Something about sleepovers? Anyway, to your query. What do you WANT to do about it? I assume your daughters are at the age where they enjoy their CUNTS and all the pleasures that our CUNTS can give us. Now, are they just talking about FUCKING, or have they actually started FUCKING? Be a good mother to your girls, show them your cunt, invite them to bury their noses in it. Get yourself a strapon and show them all about girl-girl fucking. That's what you can do about it, dear.

Dear Aunt Sheila
I was truly SHOCKED to see your use of those disgusting F and C words. Surely a person in your position should be setting an example to others? It's about standards and decency, isn't it? Alison Chambers (schoolteacher, retired)

Dear Alison
No, it fucking isn't! It's about using the words that describe most accurately what we are talking about. What do you call YOUR cunt? Pussy? What is it, a furry feline? Vagina? What are you, a gynecologist? Pudenda muliebris? Do me a favor! And what did you call fucking, assuming you ever did it? Sexual congress? In flagrante delicto? Spare me!
As Gertrude Stein would have said if her mouth hadn't been so busy on Alice's cunt: "A fuck is a fuck is a fuck."
I hope that answers your question, Alison Chambers (schoolteacher, retired).

Dear Aunt Sheila
My little girl, Jodie - she's nine - and her little friends really enjoy playing with my cunt (Thanks to you, Aunt Sheila, I have stopped using that silly word "pussy"). They take it in turns to finger me and lick me, and of course I have taught them how to do those things properly so they can also enjoy cunt games with each other. It's so delightful, but I am a little concerned that Jodie the other day asked if she could "fist" me. Isn't that taking cunt play a little too far?
Barbara

Dear Barbara
First, I want to say that you are a shining example to mothers everywhere on how to bring up daughters, and I hope you encourage other mothers of your acquaintance to do the same. As to your question, I am not sure what the question is! I imagine with all the use it gets, your cunt is capable of taking your daughter's fist, so why not let her do it. You'll like it, I promise.
I am also not sure what taking cunt play "a little too far" means. Perhaps if your daughter pushed both hands into your cunt and then started clapping, that might be somewhat unusual, but I still wouldn't call it going "too far"if you and she both enjoy it. As the poets say: "Whatever floats your boat, baby!"

Dear Aunt Sheila
I am curious: did you ever go with a man?
[name and address supplied]

Dear No Name,
Q How many New Yorkers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A None of your fucking business.
Q How many New Yorkers who have moved to California does it take to change a lightbulb?
A None of your fucking business. Have a nice day.

Dear Aunt Sheila
I think you should answer No Name's question about whether you ever went with a man. I am sure your readers are really curious to know if you have real-life experience of straight sex. Otherwise, how can you speak with authority on something of which you have no experience?
William Walker

Dear William
I have never murdered anyone, I I have never let a horse lick my cunt. Do I have to do these things before I can express an opinion or make a judgment, about them?
In fact, I did "go with a man", I even married one, and then divorced the bastard within a few months. Maybe I should have murdered him too and married a horse instead.
Does that satisfy you, William Walker? By the way, when did you swop the N in your name for an L?

Dear Aunt Sheila
I went with a colleague to a conference recently. We shared a hotel room and everything was fine till we got a bit drunk and she came on to me. I mean, I never did anything with another woman before, and never wanted to, but it just sort of happened, you know? Anyway, the worst of it is, it got really hot and she suddenly stopped and made a phonecall and about fifteen minutes later, a hooker turned up, you know, one of those who only turn lesbian tricks. It was a really wild session, I mean, like ALL NIGHT! I don't want to go into the details you understand, and I kind of lost my head and did all kinds of things a nice person doesn't normally do, know what I mean? And ever since, I can't get that night out of my head. I just keep going over it again and again. I am so confused. Please advise me.
Puzzled Pauline

Dear Pauline
Wow! I can think of no better way of overcoming the dreariness of a hotel room in a strange town than doing "all kinds of things a nice person doesn't normally do". And with a lesbian hooker too! My mind is in a turmoil, sweetie, trying to visualise the scene: a steamy threesome, all night long... Wow again! You lucky bitch, I have got to talk my girlfriend into inviting a lesbian hooker to join us! Wow for a third time!
By the way, sorry, Pauline, what's your problem?

Dear Sheila
I had a strict religious upbringing and I have so many doubts and so many questions to ask you. For example, do you believe in sex before marriage?
Miranda Pratt (Miss)

Dear Miranda
I can do no better than ask you to observe the Ten Commandments. I mean the following ten commandments:
1 Thou shalt avoid sexual involvement with males
2 Thou shalt fuck at every available opportunity
3 Thou shalt, when no fuck is available, masturbate for all thy worth
4 Thou shalt honor thy mother and thy sister and try to get into their panties
5 Thou shalt observe the dietary laws, viz muffmunching every day
6 Thou shalt respect the sanctity of marriage by seducing wives
7 Thou shalt suffer little girls to cum unto thee, and teach them about nooky
8 Thou shalt use only holy words like CUNT and FUCK
9 Thou shalt not use two fingers if three will fit, nor three if four will fit
10 Thou shalt employ only kosher devices such as vibrators and other sex toys
Amen. Sorry, that should be Awomen.