Ask Aunt Sheila – 6

by Sheilamosit4u

I love helping people with problems to do with love and sex, but there are some queries I get that I find hard to deal with. Let me ask you something: how would YOU have responded to the following?

Dear Aunt Sheila
I like putting things in my bum. I just can't stop myself. Am I weird? Do I need help?
Backdoor Annie

Dear Backdoor Annie
Yes, you are weird. No, you don't need help: you can easily stuff things up your ass without assistance, although the Complete Works of William Shakespeare might be a struggle. But you will find you can havemuch more fun if, while you are working a vibrator into your petit trou, you have your girlfriend eating out your pussy. Just a thought.

Dear Aunt Sheila
What exactly IS "safe sex"?
Yours
Puzzled Wendy

Dear Puzzled Wendy
Safe sex is fucking your married women friends while their husbands are at work. Safe sex is having an orgy in a nunnery, but making sure you are not locked in. Safe sex is masturbating in public where the only police officers who see you are female. Safe sex is not putting a condom on your dildo. Safe sex is teaching young girls about their bodies while their moms look on approvingly. Unsafe sex is having anything whatsoever to do with men. Be warned!

Dear Aunt Sheila
My girlfriend says she knows a woman who has sex with dogs. Surely such a thing is not possible?
Curious Kathy

Dear Curious Kathy
I think it is wicked of you and your girlfriend to spread rumors about an innocent woman, just because she has a dog. Not every woman who has a dog lets it lick her or mount her, for goodness' sake. Mind you a lot do. And the only thing that is "not possible" is to break off the fuck once he gets his knot into you. But no doubt you and your horny girlfriend will find that out for yourselves soon enough. Honestly, today's generation!

Dear Aunt Sheila
I think my mom is interested in me sexually, like, she is always touching me and cuddling me and talking about girl-girl sex. What can I do about it?
Worried Alice

Dear Worried Alice
What the hell are you worried about? The time for a girl to be worried is when her mom doesn't come on to her! Ask any of the girls reading this column. Now, get real, sweetie, and throw yourself into your mom's arms! Like, NOW! Sorry, can't write more at this time, I have something I must do. To myself.

Dear Aunt Sheila
I was messaged just now on YM by a woman calling herself ToiletMom. Am I right not to reply to her (She's still online)?
Luv
hornyhannah

Dear Horny Hannah
Hell, girl, how should I know? Just make sure she flushes after. By the way, if you are at a loose end some night, let's get together for a squat. What do you say?

Dear Aunt Sheila
Men - and women too - are forever staring at my boobs. I am a 44DD, btw. Why is everybody so obsessed with big breasts?
Hugs
Busty Brenda

Dear Busty Brenda
As the possessor of a humungous bazoom myself, I know exactly what you mean. You could always wear one of those teeshirts that says "Stop staring at my tits, you wanker". Personally, it doesn't bother me. The only thing that bothers me is when another woman DOESN'T admire my breasts, but I put it down to a lack of education. PS, I would appreciate some photos, Brenda, just out of scientific interest, you understand.

Dear Aunt Sheila
Do you think that prostitution is wrong? I only ask because my mom says I would make a perfect whore - just because I accept presents from women I sleep with.
Tina, Worried Teenager

Dear Tina
Sounds to me like you are on to a winner, darling! There's always a call for lesbian whores. Let me have your contact details (phone number etc) and I know I can put some business your way. Let me know if you need help with your price list. As to your mom, the best way to bring her round is to squat on her face. Yummy, as they say.

Dear Aunt Sheila
If I have sex with a "shemale", does this make me a lesbian? Huggies
Jane K

Dear Jane
No, it makes you an idiot. With all the gorgeous women in the world, why do you need to mess with shemales? Anyway most of those shemales prefer to be fucked by men, and good luck to them. As long as the men are panting after ladyboys, they are leaving women alone!

Dear Aunt Sheila
I read your advice column every week and I think it. In fact, I think you are just a dried-up old biddy with no tits who never had sex in her whole cruddy life and wouldn't know a fuck if one reared up and bit her in the ass. Fuck you.
Sam da Slut

Dear Sam
You sure know how to flatter a lady! And don't worry about your penis: even at twice the size it would still be worthless. Have a nice day.